Ghost Images
by Ukkie
Summary: A sequel to "The Extra Mile." Three weeks after their vacation Starsky gets sick and reveals some secrets from his time in Vietnam.


**_This story is dedicated to Jo who deserves more than I can give her._**

**This story contains graphic war scenes!**

Oh yes: they ain't mine, no money is made, it is just for pleasure!

**Ghost Images**

Gunshots and fire everywhere. Starsky couldn't move he was stuck in the mud. He tried to yell but couldn't make a sound. Desperately he tried to get free but the earth wouldn't let him go. All he could see was fire lighting the dark sky and all he could hear were the guns and the screaming around him. He knew he was going to die and he started praying and crying. He prayed that the end would come quickly and he cried for his mother who would lose her son in this god- forsaken country. He didn't care anymore who would hear or see him crying, he felt no shame for that only for what he'd done "Forgive me please, forgive me" he sobbed quietly, "What have I done, what have I done?" The fire came nearer and he could feel the heat and with a last almost inhuman effort he tried to break free from the mud that held him. With a sucking sound the earth let him go and Starsky fell forward with a thud and landed on solid ground. Heaving and panting he stayed there while the sounds of guns and the heat of the fire disappeared. He looked around but all he could see was darkness. He tried to stand but his legs were tangled in sheets and blankets. _Sheets_ _and_ _blankets_? _What is this? Where am I?_ Bewildered he tried to think of where he was but his mind was still mixed-up and with an agonized cry he lay back and waited. He had no idea what he was waiting for. _Maybe I'm dead and in hell. I'd deserve that I guess._ He was cold. _I thought hell is hot, burning hot._ He tried to move and slowly he untangled his legs from the blankets and sheets. Nothing weird happened and he tried sitting up. _So far, so good. Still dark, no flames. Am I at home? Was it a dream? Scratch that; it was a fucking nightmare!_ He shivered and stood up, stumbling over the blankets and shuffled through the dark room to find the light switch and when finally the light went on he saw that he wasn't in his own place but somewhere else. Desperately he tried to remember where he was._ At least I'm not there _he thought and looked around. Slowly reality took over his mind and he knew where he was _I'm in Hutch's place._ Looking around he discovered the blond sleeping, despite the noise Starsky had made and a caring smile tugged at his lips._ Wow, you are a sound sleeper, _he thought, _must have been all the beer we drank last night. _Without making any noise he replaced the sheets and blankets and turned off the light. The dark made his fears come back but he didn't want to keep the light on and wake up Hutch. Tiptoeing he made his way to the couch and tried to go back to sleep. After tossing and turning for a long time he sat up and sighed. _I wish it was getting light but it's only three o'clock. I can't wake up Hutch; he would wanna know what's wrong and I can't tell him anything. I don't wanna go on like this; it's no way to live. Goddamn war, I hate myself ……_ He moaned in despair and rested his head against the back of the couch. Tired and feeling utterly alone he fell asleep eventually in a half sitting position.

Hutch was woken up from a sound sleep by the light that permeated his closed eyelids. Squinting against the bright light he tried to see what was happening but at that moment the light went off and his weary mind returned to his nice dream. Unfortunately his dream was disturbed by strange sounds that didn't make sense to him and reluctantly he opened his eyes and listened. He heard nothing strange just Starsky's breathing and some mumbling. He listened for a while but everything seemed in order and with a sigh he closed his eyes again to succumb to a deep sleep.

Starsky was back in his nightmare. Gunshots and burning houses surrounded him and he smelt the burning flesh. _It's my entire fault, I did this, god I did this!_ He cried and didn't want to be there anymore _I wanna die! Please God, let me die, I don't deserve to live I don't deserve to go home and be safe._ He started to run away from the grueling scene and stopped when he reached the river. "Please God!"He yelled to the sky "If you're really there let me die here and now; I can't live with this guilt" He took his gun and held it against his temple "I'm sorry" he cried and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened and with a tormented cry he threw the weapon into the river. "Can't even kill myself" he sobbed and let himself fall into the cold water.

For the second time that night Hutch woke up and again this time he didn't know _what_ woke him up. Listening in the dark he heard a soft noise as if someone was crying. Alarmed he sat up and turned on the light. The sound came from the couch where Starsky was sleeping and when he looked that way he saw blankets and sheets in total disarray and a restless Starsky seemingly fighting off a nightmare.

Hutch was out of bed in an instant and rushed over to the couch. "Hey Starsky, wake up!" he said loudly but Starsky didn't react to him; he started fighting his invisible enemy with more force and almost hit Hutch with his left arm. Hutch knew nothing better to do than to grab the flailing arm and shout, "Wake up Starsky, you're dreaming!" He grabbed his friend by the shoulder and shook him in an attempt to wake him but Starsky stayed in his dream world. Horrified the blond felt the heat radiating from his friend's body and when he felt the sleeping man's forehead he was shocked by what he felt. "God Starsk, you're burning up. Wake up buddy, come on wake up!"

Finally his voice seemed to reach Starsky's fuzzy brain and slowly he opened his eyes a little. Immediately he closed them again, mumbled "headache" and started vomiting. Hutch stepped back to avoid the smelly mess that landed on the floor. "Jesus Starsk, what's wrong with you? You got the flu or something?"

Still heaving but no longer bringing anything up Starsky started to shiver uncontrollably and with chattering teeth he tried to form a word but Hutch didn't understand him. "I'm gonna take you to the hospital." Hutch picked up the blanket that had fallen of the couch.

"N n no, n n no h hosp pital." Starsky managed to say and grabbed the blanket to drape it around him in an effort to get warm.

"Why not? You're sick Starsk and I don't know what to do. What can I do to help you?" Hutch was desperate and Starsky was not able to say anything to take his worry away. Miserable the brunet was lying on the couch shivering as if half frozen and obviously feeling very sick. Hutch needed to do something and folded the blanket tightly around Starsky's shivering body. It didn't help much because the sick man kept shaking and trying to pull the blanket closer. Hutch hurried to the bathroom and returned with the thermometer. "Open your mouth Starsk; I need to see if you have a fever." _Of course he's got a fever Hutchinson; a blind horse can see that. _He gently tried to place the thermometer in Starsky's mouth but the almost violent teeth chattering made it very difficult and Hutch was afraid that Starsky would involuntarily bite the instrument into pieces. He decided to wait a few minutes and then try it again and because Starsky was still shaking and shivering Hutch picked up the blanket from his bed and spread it over his friend. A shaky smile was his reward but the shivers didn't stop and the next thing he could think of was to lift his friend from the couch and carry him to his bed where he carefully laid him down. Getting the blankets from the couch didn't take much time and with infinite care he spread the blankets over Starsky, climbed in the bed and pulled the trembling body in his arms in an attempt to stop the shaking.

Despite the cold Starsky fell asleep in the safety of Hutch's arms but the horrors he'd seen in Vietnam were once again present in his feverish nightmare. Sick and exhausted he did what was ordered and he entered the village, together with the rest of his platoon. He knew it was wrong. But an order was an order and with his eyes closed he pulled the trigger. Screams of terror and fear filled the air when every soldier started firing and to Starsky it was the vision of hell. He was pushed forwards and stumbling he moved further still firing his M-60 machine gun. 600 bullets a minute spreading death and destruction in a village only occupied with civilians. _They were lying, there's no VC here. God, what have I done? Let me go, let me go please! _He started to run away but was stopped by some of his platoon members. "Where're you going Davey? Come on they're over there! Kill them all!" Horrified he saw the men he called his friends turning into bloodthirsty monsters who wouldn't stop their murdering spree even now it was clear the village was not harboring any men. He started running again, away from this bloodbath away from this hell. Behind him houses were burned down and women and children murdered but he didn't look back, he just ran until he tripped and fell. Lying on his back he saw the sky color red and he turned on his stomach, not wanting to witness what he and his buddies had done.

Startled he felt hands on his back and he tried to get away, but the hands wouldn't let him go. "Lemme go, lemme go" he mumbled, trying to get free. "Leave me alone, I wanna die, I wanna die." He started to cry, to scream but the person that held him didn't let go. He felt something cold on his fore head and he struggled to open his eyes to see what had happened to him and where he was; but all he could do was cry and lie there. Someone touched his face and he turned his head away from it, but the touching went on and from a distance he heard somebody call his name. The voice was familiar and panicked he screamed "No, no please Hutch go away, you're not supposed to be here. Run babe, before they catch you too." But the voice became louder and he could hear the worry in it. _Aw, Hutch don't worry about me please, I'll be all right if I can find a way out of this life. Forget me buddy, I'm not worthy of your friendship. _He fought again to open his eyes and somehow he managed to raise the heavy lids a bit. He couldn't see much but what he saw made him feel safe again." Hutch" he whispered and tried to focus on the blond head "you have to leave, it's not safe here" His eyes fell shut again but now he didn't return completely to the past, his fuzzy mind tried to figure out why Hutch was with him and why he couldn't keep his eyes open. He was hot and thirsty but he wouldn't beg for water, he would never beg for anything, never. If they wanted him to die of thirst he would die of thirst. It was a fitting punishment and a right way to die too. Not the easy way out with his gun but slowly and painful, that's how it should be. _Hutch, forgive me; I know I'm selfish but it's what I deserve and you'll be much better off without me. I can't be trusted; I'd kill you too one day. _He was pulled away from his feverish nightmare by Hutch who lifted the curly head and held a glass against his lips. "Drink something Starsk, come on take a sip and be a good boy now. Drink Starsky, you need to drink something." Starsky opened his eyes again and turned his head away from the glass but he wasn't strong enough and the persistent blond followed his mouth with the glass. Defeated he tried to drink but his teeth chattering made it almost impossible to take a sip. Water dripped on his lips and he tried to swallow but the shaking made the liquid slide down his chin and in his neck. It felt good on his hot skin, despite feeling ice cold to the bone. "C-c-cold." He whispered between the shaking and chattering. "I need to call somebody Starsk, I don't know what's wrong with you and I don't know what to do about it." Hutch put the glass down on the nightstand and stood up from the bed when another whisper held him back. He bent over to Starsky to hear what his friend was trying to say.

"M-m-ma-malaria." Hutch didn't know if he heard it right and asked softly "You have malaria Starsk? Is that what you said, malaria?"

Starsky nodded and groaned, the movement causing him severe muscle- pain. "Medic-cine, ne-eed med-medicine."

"Okay buddy, stay put and I'll get you your medicine. Don't move I'll be right back."

"Not go-go-ing no-nowhere." was the painfully whispered answer and Hutch smiled in spite of everything. "That's okay then. Be right back."

In a few steps he reached the phone and dialed a number without having to look it up. Impatiently he waited, looking over his shoulder at Starsky who was still shivering and shaking.

"Dr. Holloway's assistant. How can I help you?" A friendly woman's voice reached his ear.

"Um….Ken Hutchinson here. I need to speak to the doc."

"You're a patient of the doctor?"

"Yes, but it's about a friend of mine. He has malaria and I need medication for him."

"Hold on please, I'll see if the doctor is free."

"Hurry up please." Hutch urged her but the woman was gone already and all he heard was a deafening silence. Tapping his foot in annoyance he looked over his shoulder again and saw Starsky tossing and turning, apparently having another nightmare. He was just about to hang up and rush back to the bed when a friendly man's voice asked, "What can I do for you Ken?"

In a few words Hutch explained the situation and still looking at Starsky he urged, "Can you give him what he needs? I need to go to him now, he's having a nightmare and it looks a bad one."

"Maybe you should take him to the hospital Ken. Malaria, _if_ it is malaria, is not something to take lightly."

"No hospital, doc and it _is_ malaria! He's been in Vietnam and I think it's not the first time he's had it."

"Okay then, but I'm not going to give him anything until I've seen him myself. I'll come by as soon as I can. I think it'll be around ten this morning. In the mean time give him plenty of fluids and I mean lots of fluids. After the chills he's going to sweat like you never seen before and we can't have him dehydrated on top of everything else."

Hutch nodded and sighed. "Thanks doc. See you later then." He hung up the phone and hurried back to the bed. A quick look on the clock told him it was only seven thirty and distressed he realized that it would be a long wait before the doctor would arrive.

Starsky's mind was back in the village and shocked he looked at the rampage that was going on. Everywhere he saw dead bodies of women and children, even infants weren't spared by the soldiers gone crazy. "Nooooooo!" a tormented scream was ripped from his throat when somebody grabbed him and laughed "Come on Davey, party time. Get yourself a slut and have fun. Go on." He was pushed forward again and somehow he ended up with several of his buddies, his comrades, who were taking turns in raping a young girl. She couldn't have been much older than fifteen and as far as Starsky could tell she was dead already. It didn't stop the soldiers from raping the lifeless body over and over again, encouraged by a group of men who waited for their turn."NO!" he cried again "Leave her alone you sick bastards. Can't you see she's dead?"

The men started laughing and yelling at him. "So what Davey boy, she's a good fuck anyway! Dead or alive, who cares uh? You wanna try too? It sure beats a hand job."

Horrified and nauseated Starsky backed away. "No. No please, stop it! Stop it!"

Strong hands grabbed him and shook him till his head hurt so badly he thought it would explode. "Leave me alone!" He tried to get free from the powerful grip but he wasn't strong enough and exhausted he sank down on his knees sobbing and crying. "No, lemme go, lemme go. I don't want this, I wanna go home. Please."

"Starsky! Starsky wake up buddy." He went on shaking his head "No, lemme go, please lemme go."

The voice he heard now wasn't one of the soldiers' voices but he couldn't remember why it sounded so familiar to him. "Starsky, wake up!" Louder now the voice kept calling him and slowly the village and it's horrors disappeared. Starsky opened his eyes and a blurred face entered his vision. The blond hair and blue eyes gave him a feeling of safety but he didn't want to feel safe, not after what he'd done.

"Utsh" he whispered painfully "wha….wha's wrong?"

"That's a good question Starsk. Why don't you tell me what you were dreaming huh?"

"'S not a dream"

"No? Well, you could have fooled me buddy. But first you have to drink something, doctor's orders."

"D...doctor?" Starsky didn't understand what a doctor had to do with the massacre in My Lai.

"Yeah" Hutch smiled gently, "You're sick, remember? Malaria. The doc said you have to drink plenty of fluids to keep dehydration at bay so here is your first dose and you have to drink it all like a good boy."

"Malaria?" The brunet tried to concentrate on what Hutch told him but his fuzzy mind kept taking different directions. "Malaria." He said again and closed his eyes. The daylight hurt and he was so tired. Silent tears escaped his eyelids and slid slowly down the pillow

Hutch looked down at his friend with a glass in his hand and, to his surprise, saw the tears on Starsky's face. _What the hell happened to you Starsk? _He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to think better _and what for God's sake is taking that doctor so long?_

At that moment the doorbell rang and Hutch almost ran to the door and opened it. Relieved he saw the doctor standing there with his case in his hand and a smile on his face. "Good morning Ken, where is the patient?" Hutch stepped aside and let the physician in. With a shaking hand he pointed at the direction of the bed but the man beside him already noticed the bed with its restless occupant. "Ah, there he is." he said, still smiling "Let's take a look huh?"

Just the presence of this small man with his easygoing manners relaxed Hutch a little. He'd known this doctor for some time now and never had he seen him agitated or hurried and it never failed to calm the big blond down.

Holloway sat down on the bed next to Starsky and looked at him with an experienced eye. "What's your friend's name?" he asked without looking at Hutch.

"Starsky um …David."

"Okay David, I'm Dr. Holloway. I want to take a look at you is that okay?"

"No, go away." Starsky hardly heard what was said but he didn't want to talk and he didn't want to be disturbed. He was too tired and sick "Lemme alone, lemme go."

Holloway wasn't in the least offended and smiled. "I'll be out of your hair in a few minutes David, but I have to know what's wrong with you. Your friend here called me because he's worried about you."

Starsky tried to turn away from the prying hands but he was too weak, all he could do was draw back in his own mind and pretend he wasn't there.

The examination didn't take long. "I can't be sure it's malaria Ken, but he has the symptoms and I guess it's not the first time he's had it so, even without the blood test I'll go for that diagnosis. I do want a blood test done to be really sure but for now I'll start with the treatment."

Hutch nodded; glad that something would be done to make Starsky feel better. "What are you gonna do?" he asked, not knowing what to expect.

"Well, first I'm going to draw blood and then I'll give him a shot with Quinine. I'll leave a prescription for tablets for at least a week. After that he should be much better but Ken, it's going to be hell of a ride. He's going to be weak and sick for days. Is there anyone who can help? It's too much for one person. Maybe you should consider having him admitted to the hospital after all."

Hutch shook his head and looked at Starsky, who was, to the blond's surprise, looking at him with unfocussed eyes but looking at him nevertheless. "No way doc. He's staying here and I'll take care of him."

"If that's what you want, okay then but I don't think you will ever have him drink enough." The friendly physician thought for a moment "Maybe it's better to give him a drip that would take care of that problem. You think you can change the bags with the saline solution?"

For a short moment Hutch wondered was the hell he was doing. Despite his time in med school he wasn't sure he could pull this off. Being a student was nothing like this, taking care of a really sick man who would need care twenty-four hours a day.

"Yes, I can." he heard himself say, "I can do that and everything that's needed. Don't worry about that doc. We'll be fine."

Holloway smiled and nodded. "Okay then, let's get to work." He opened his bag and took out a needle and a tube. Hutch looked away, he never had been a fan of needles and he thanked god he'd left med school.

"You don't have to stay here, Ken." The friendly doctor said, "I can do this alone and with my eyes closed if I have to."

Hutch blushed but relieved he turned away from the bed. "I can make coffee if you like."

"Good idea. I'd love some when I'm done here." He laughed softly when he saw the blond hurry to the kitchen.

Nervous and with one ear listening to the sounds coming from the sleeping area, Hutch started the coffee maker and noticed too late he'd forgotten to put the coffee in it. Irritated by his own nervousness he turned off the machine and started the process of making coffee all over again. Checking twice if everything was okay he turned the machine on again and waited to see if it was really coffee and not just hot water that was filling the pot. Satisfied with the positive result this time he turned around and saw the doctor packing the used items in his bag. In two big steps Hutch reached the bed and looked down at his half sleeping friend. An IV was inserted in his right hand, attached to a bag with a saline solution. The bag was hanging on a hook beside the bed. Usually Hutch's bathrobe hung there but now it was upgraded to a makeshift drip stand.

"I can use a cup of coffee now Ken."Holloway smiled, "and I can tell you everything you need to know while we drink our coffee."

When they were seated at the kitchen table, coffee in front of them, Hutch asked the question he had wanted to ask since the doctor had set foot in his house. "Is he going to be alright?"

Smiling the kind man nodded "Yes, I think he will. He is going to have a rough time but in a week or so he should be feeling better."

Hutch sighed in relief and looked grateful at the other man. "It is malaria, isn't it?"

"As far as I can tell now, yes but I can only be sure after the blood test. As soon as I know the results I'll let you know."

"What can I do to make him as comfortable as possible?"

"Well" Holloway grinned "To be honest, you can't do very much to make him comfortable. But you are going to be busy the next couple of days Ken, don't underestimate the task you've taken upon you. He's been shivering for some time now and within hours he'll spike a fever and start sweating. Don't get me wrong but he'll be sweating like you've never seen before and that means you'll have to clean sheets time after time." He looked at Hutch intently "Are you sure you're up to that?"

Without thinking Hutch nodded. "I'm up to it, don't worry."

"Okay, with the fever and the sweating come the nightmares, and the aching and maybe the nausea and vomiting. You still think you can do it?"

Without hesitating Hutch nodded again "Yes, I can do it!"

"Okay, okay. He'll be very weak and is going to need help with everything, everything you can think of. You'll have to help him to the bathroom, bathe him, make him drink enough, feed him…"

"Yes, yes, I get the message. I never thought I'd say it doc, but I'm glad I have some medical background. It will come in handy now."

Holloway smiled. "A little knowledge is always a good thing Ken. Don't hesitate to call me if you have questions or if you don't know what to do. Even in the middle of the night I'll be available for you."

"Thanks doc. I'm grateful for your help and I promise I'll call whenever it's necessary."

"Good," the doctor stood and picked up his bag, "I'll leave you to it then. Don't forget to take care of yourself too Ken! This is no easy ride and I don't want you next on my sick list."

"I will doc, I will. Thanks for everything."

They shook hands and the physician left the house at the canal. Hutch saw him get in his car and drive away. Suddenly he felt lost and alone. The huge task he had agreed to carry out weighed heavily on his mind. _What if I fuck up? What if I can't do it? What if I let him die?_

"Shut up Hutchinson," he berated himself out loud, "you can do it and you _will_ do it."

Slowly he walked towards the bed where Starsky was waiting for him, eyes at half-mast, fighting to stay awake.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep Starsk? I bet you must be tired."

"No, no sl-sleep. Dr-dreams." Was the whispered answer.

Hutch smiled reassuringly. "I'll stay with you and wake you up when you start dreaming, okay?"

"'Kay."

Hutch sat down on the bed and watched the brunet lose his fight with sleep. He wondered how long it would take before the nightmares would start and dreaded the moment he was sure would come. Looking at the nightstand he saw a note, left by the doctor. It was a list of things he had to take care of and warnings when to call the doctor. Beside the list was a prescription for Quinine. The drugstore was only a ten-minute drive but Hutch didn't dare to leave Starsky alone for even five minutes, not before he had time to explain to him that he was going to get his medicine. And now Starsky was asleep, so he decided that it could wait till later that day. He saw that he was supposed to start the oral medication the next day so he wasn't in a hurry anyway. To his own surprise he felt very tired suddenly, the interrupted sleep that night and the hectic early morning catching up on him. A huge yawn escaped him and carefully he lifted first one then his other leg on the bed, his eyed glued to his friend's face. But Starsky slept on and slowly Hutch stretched out on his bed until he lay side by side with Starsky. The bed was big enough for the two of them; Hutch had tried that out many times although not with a man but with a lovely lady. He'd spent more than one very pleasant night in this bed, now occupied by his sick friend but somehow it didn't feel odd to lie beside another man. _Well, it's not just any man, it's my best friend and he needs me._ With that thought he fell asleep.

God, it was hot. Starsky tried to cool off a bit by throwing water from the river over his head and back but it didn't help much. He got up from his knees and stared ahead; nothing moved but somehow he knew they were there, he could feel it and it made him nervous. _They're so good at hiding and keeping silent. They can sit there for hours and hours and never move._ Even the heat couldn't stop him from shivering with fear. Slowly he turned around and walked back to their camp, hating every single day he'd been here and hating the time he still had to go before he would be allowed to go back home. He smiled when he thought about going home, back to his mother, his brother and his aunt and uncle. Back to where it was safe and not so damned hot.

Tomorrow would be the day they were going to clean Pinkville from the VC who were hiding in the village. Although the information said that all women and children were gone Starsky wasn't so sure that that was true. It wouldn't be the first time that information wasn't correct and he refused to think about the consequences if there were still women in the village.

"Are you ready for the big day, Davey?" "We're gonna teach them who's the boss won't we Davey?"

"God, I hope they left a few women there. I really need some fun; it's been way too long."

Starsky wanted to say something, tell them to shut up, but suddenly hell broke lose.

Gunshots and fire everywhere he looked; the sky colored red with fire and people screaming in pain and fear. Women and children running for their lives and bloodthirsty soldiers chasing them laughing and yelling.

"Come on Davey, no time to look now. Do what you have to do and kill the motherfuckers!"

"No! They're only women and children, you can't do that." He thought he'd yelled the words but all he could hear was his whispering voice.

He tried to run away from the hell he was in but he couldn't move. He just stood there and watched. Watched how women and children were killed, raped and the entire village was burned down. He was crying but had no tears left; the all-consuming heat had left no fluid for tears.

"Starsky!" He looked behind him and horrified he recognized the man standing there. "Hutch, you can't be here. No! No, go away; you don't belong in this nightmare!"

"I'm here to take you home Starsk."

Starsky shook his head. "No, no you can't take me home. I'm not done yet, my tour ain't over. Please Hutch; run before they kill you too!"

But Hutch stayed where he was. "I'm not going without you buddy. We're friends and I promised to get you when the nightmare would come, remember?"

"No…….I don't know but you got to go Hutch, please!" Starsky begged but the blond didn't move, he just reached out his hand and gently took Starsky by the arm. "Come on Starsk, it's time to wake up."

"Wake up?"

"Yeah, wake up and leave this nightmare. Somehow we'll find a way for you to never come back here but first you have to wake up. Open your eyes buddy, come on open your eyes for me. That's it Starsk, that's it."

Slowly the village and the dead bodies disappeared and Starsky's tired eyes recognized the room he was in. _Hutch's place, I'm in Hutch's place. _He moved his eyes, too tired to move his head, until he saw Hutch. His friend was almost in tears and Starsky tried to lift his hand; he wanted to wipe away the sadness from the obviously shaken blond's face, but he was too weak and his hand fell back on the sweat drenched sheet.

Hutch took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "Are you back again Starsk? You know where you are now?"

"Yeah." His voice sounded hoarse as if he'd been screaming for a long time. "Hutch, I….."

"Shhhh, it's alright Starsk, you don't have to say anything, not yet anyway. First I want you to have a drink and then I'll change the sheets. You're really sweating pal and I can't let you swim out of bed." He smiled "You'd ruin the carpet."

Starsky tried to smile back at him but his lips were so dry they cracked and he stopped trying to move his mouth. Grateful he sipped from the glass that Hutch held against his lips and when the first drops of cool water passed his dry throat he could have sworn he'd never tasted anything that good in his life before. He his wasn't able to drink much, exhaustion made swallowing difficult and with a groan he turned his head away from the glass. His eyes closed, he felt Hutch gently lower head on the pillow again.

"Hutch…."

"Wait till I've changed the sheets Starsk. Rest a little and then we'll talk, ok?"

Starsky nodded and winced; his neck hurt and he had a terrible headache, so lying there with his eyes closed wasn't such a bad idea he thought. He heard Hutch moving around, opening drawers and closing them too loud for his aching head but he had no energy to say something about it.

He startled when Hutch touched his shoulder. "Are you sleeping Starsk? Sorry buddy, but I really need to change the bed."

Starsky opened his eyes and saw Hutch, arms full with sheets, towels and a small basin in his hands.

"Is okay," he whispered, "don't wanna sleep anyway."

Hutch nodded, understanding why, and asked, "You think you can help a little?" he set down the basin on the nightstand and the sheets and towels on a chair near the bed. "You give the word sweating a whole new meaning Starsk." Hutch smiled, wetting a towel and carefully washing his patients face and neck.

It felt good and for a moment Starsky wished it would never stop, but within seconds the cloth, however soft, started to irritate his oversensitive skin. Hutch noticed his discomfort immediately and stopped his ministrations. "Am I hurting you Starsky? I'm sorry but I just wanted to cool you down a little." He dropped the towel on the floor, "I know high fever can make your skin hurt so I'll stop bothering you for now." He sat down on the edge of the bed, trying not to disturb his friend. "Hey Starsk, I really want to change the sheets." he said softly, "It's not gonna be easy but if you just let me do it my way it shouldn't be too bad." _I hope _"And after that we can talk or whatever you want to do. What do you think?"

Clean sheets sounded real good to Starsky, even if it did mean he'd be shoved around. He knew from experience that there was no easy way to change a bed when you were hurting like he did at the moment. Bracing himself mentally for the things to come he nodded "'Kay."

Hutch sighed and started working. He turned Starsky on his right side and ignored the moaning because there was nothing he could do about it at the moment. Quickly he removed the top sheet; the blankets were tossed aside hours ago, and slid the second one as far as he could under Starsky's body. With quick but gentle movements he took a clean sheet from the chair and put it on the bed as fast as possible, then he turned Starsky on his left side, again ignoring the moaning and groaning, removed the dirty sheet and finished making the bed. Carefully he rolled the brunet on his back and wiped the sweat from his own forehead. _You know now what to expect the next couple of days Hutchinson, get used to it!_

He watched his friend with concern as he lay there panting and moaning. No matter how fast Hutch had worked, it obviously had exhausted Starsky. The blond took a chair and sat next to the bed, waiting for his patient to recover his breath. He felt tired himself. He'd been sleeping an hour that morning when he was woken up, like the night before, by Starsky's mumbling and crying. He'd been wide-awake when he'd heard Starsky call his name in terror and it had taken him a long time to wake his friend up. He bent forward, leaning his elbows on the bed and resting his head in his hands, and watched in silence how Starsky slowly calmed down and started breathing easier. He waited till he saw tired dark blue eyes looking his way before he said anything. "How are you doing buddy?"

To his surprise Starsky smiled a small smile. "Tired…..nice….clean…sheets."

Hutch smiled back at him "Good, I'm glad you appreciate my work. Now you got your breath back maybe you should have another drink, what do you think?"

"No…" but when he saw Hutch's face Starsky changed his mind "Yes...'kay."

"Good boy." Hutch praised him and went to the kitchen to fill a glass with juice. He sat down next to Starsky and gently lifted his head from the pillow. _I need to give him a clean pillowcase, this one is soaking wet._ He held the glass against the cracked lips and carefully he tilted the glass so that the brunet could take a sip without having any liquid dripping down his chin.

Starsky was thirsty and managed to empty almost half the glass before he wasn't able to swallow anymore. Hutch was satisfied with the result and once again lowered his friend's head gently on the pillow.

"Listen Starsk, I have to go out for a minute; I have to get your meds, but I'll be back in twenty minutes."

He searched for a clean pillowcase between the sheets on the chair and quickly changed it for the dirty one.

"You think you'll be alright for a while?" He watched Starsky intently and saw the shadow of fear in the dark blue eyes. "I have to go buddy, you need those medicines and it's just the two of us. I can't think of anyone else to do it."

Starsky knew Hutch had to go to the drugstore but the thought of being alone and falling asleep terrified him. Still he nodded his stomach hurting with fear.

"I'll be right back Starsk." Hutch didn't want to leave but he had no choice; there was only one bag with saline solution left and Starsky needed his medication first thing in the morning. Reluctantly he left his cottage and jumped in his car. He drove off with squealing tires, which made his old car protest loudly, but he ignored it and kept driving too fast. It took him ten minutes to reach the drugstore, five minutes to get the prescriptions filled and ten minutes to race back to Starsky. The moment he stopped the car he jumped out and ran to his front door. "Hey Starsk, I'm back!" he yelled, closing the door behind him. Without stopping he ran to his bed where Starsky was waiting for him, awake and obviously relieved to see him back again.

"I've got everything Starsk," he said "Now we'll beat this disease in no time."

The brunet smiled at his enthusiasm. _Aw Hutch, you have no idea what you're up against. Every chance I'll have to nurse you when I'm up again._

"Are you hungry Starsk? I could make something to eat. What do you think, does chicken soup sound alright?"

The thought of chewing made Starsky feel more tired than he already was but he knew he should try to get something into his stomach that would be more nutritious than water or juice. "Sure" he agreed, "but not too much chewing."

"Okay, I can make broth instead of soup." Happy that he was able to make his friend some food Hutch returned to his kitchen area and tried to think how in the world he could make chicken broth without chicken. He opened his fridge and inspected the contents; carrots, onions and half a can of green peas was all he found. _Vegetable broth it is then._ He put a pan with water on the stove and while it was boiling he started to chop the fresh vegetables in tiny pieces. He threw the mix in the boiling water and stirred the brew before turning the gas low to let the concoction simmer. "I can't give him this" he mumbled, "He'll never drink this and wouldn't he be right!" He added a little salt but that didn't make the 'soup' taste better. Adding the peas was a small improvement but he still wasn't happy with the result. He looked around the kitchen to see if there was anything else he could add to make it edible. He noticed three lonely potatoes on the counter and that moment he knew how to make his 'soup' more tasteful and nutritious. He peeled and grated the potatoes, mixed them with the vegetables and nodded, pleased with the final results. He tasted a spoonful and was surprised that it didn't taste too bad. _It's hot and the vegetables are good for you Starsk, I hope you'll eat at least a little of it._ He was hungry, but too tired to eat properly and in a way it felt good to share a liquid meal with his best friend. Carefully he carried the mugs with their 'dinner' to the bed where he found Starsky half asleep. He woke up the moment Hutch sat down on the bed and looked at him bleary-eyed. "Wha's up?"

"Dinner is ready."

"'M not hungry."

"I know, but it's a liquid meal and you need something into your stomach."

Although Starsky wasn't hungry, he didn't want to disappoint Hutch who was so very much trying to make him feel better that he nodded. "Jus' a few mouthfuls then."

"You think you can sit up?"

"Sure." He didn't move and Hutch put down the mugs on the nightstand. He slipped an arm behind Starsky's back and gently lifted his upper body supporting his head with his shoulder. Holding the relaxed body close he took the pillows, propped them against the head of the bed and slowly lowered his friend against them. He waited a few seconds to see if Starsky wouldn't topple over and when that didn't seem to happen he turned to get the mug with soup. It had cooled down enough to drink and he held the mug against his friend's pale lips. Starsky startled but started to drink the soup. He grimaced when the taste wasn't what he'd expected and Hutch grinned. "Sorry, but I didn't have anything that even looked like chicken so I made vegetable soup. Have another drink buddy, it's good for you."

"Says you."

"Yep, and I'm the boss right now so….."

"Always …thought you ….weren't bossy."

"Well, you thought wrong then."

Starsky drank a little more before he turned his head away. Hutch noticed the exhaustion and set the mug back on the nightstand. The sick man rested his head against the pillows and closed his eyes. "This… sucks Hush."

"Yeah, it does."

They were silent for a few minutes and Hutch thought that Starsky had fallen asleep again but when he looked at him he saw the dark eyes looking back at him. "Is there anything you need Starsk?"

A nod was the answer to that question. _Twenty question time huh?_ You want to drink some more?"

A shake of the dark head, nothing more.

"You want to sleep?" _God, this is ridiculous. _

A nod…a shake and finally a word "No."

"Then what? Can't you tell me what you need?"

"It's… um…embarrassing."

_Ah, now we're getting somewhere._

"You need to go to the bathroom." It wasn't a question and Starsky nodded humiliation clearly written on his face. _Aw buddy, don't feel like that._

"Let me help you getting there." Again it wasn't a question either and Starsky had no choice than to let the blond help him to the bathroom. It was an exhausting journey and Hutch almost had to carry the brunet who was so weak that he threatened to fall more than once. With the bag from the drip in one hand Hutch only had one arm to support his unsteady friend.

They were both sighing in relief when they finally reached their destination. Hutch led him to the toilet and helped his patient to sit down. Giving him some privacy he hung the saline bag on a hook near the door and left the bathroom to wait outside the half closed door, ready to return the moment he suspected Starsky was in trouble.

It took Starsky a few minutes to finish peeing and when he was done he found Hutch standing beside him, ready to take him back to bed. He flushed the toilet, put the sweatpants back in place, took the saline bag and started the return journey with a panting, sweating Starsky heavily leaning on him.

They both were exhausted when they reached the bed and Starsky let himself fall unceremoniously on the bed, grateful to be able to lie down again. Hutch hung the drip bag on the hook and with shaking legs he dropped on the bed beside Starsky. He turned on his right side to see how the brunet was and saw him lying with only his upper body on the bed. Hutch was out of bed in a second and hurried to the other side to help his friend in bed properly. After that he returned to his side and let himself fall down on the mattress with a heavy sigh.

"Hey Hutch."

"What is it Starsk?"

"I'm sorry."

Hutch opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling. "What for?"

"For all this."

Hutch turned his head but Starsky was staring at the ceiling, eyes wide open. "Nothing to be sorry for pal."

He saw Starsky turn his head and their eyes locked. "Yes there is. How long have we known each other?"

"Um….seven months and a few days? I didn't count the hours."

"Yeah…that's about right. Seven months and now this, this …shit." Starsky's voice became softer "I can't ask you to take care of me. It's too much, you're not gonna make it."

"Of course I'm gonna make it! I've been to med school, remember?"

Starsky snorted "And how many asses did you wipe during that time?"

That question took Hutch by surprise "Um… none I guess. But…."

"See?" Starsky interrupted him "that's what I mean." He had to stop talking for a few seconds, fatigue threatening to overwhelm him, but he needed to talk to Hutch about this and softly he went on. "It's not gonna be a picnic you know. I suppose the doctor warned you, but you being you, stubborn and all wouldn't listen would you?"

Hutch stared at his friend with his mouth open. He wanted to say something but he didn't know what, because deep down he knew the other was right. He hadn't wanted to listen when the friendly doc told him how difficult it would be and he didn't want to listen to Starsky now, who told him the same thing. All he wanted to do was take care of the brunet and maybe get some sleep now and then.

"But….I _wanna_ take care of you." was all he managed to say.

"Why?"

"I don't know….I just know I want it."

"You always been like this Hutch?"

"Like what?"

Like….well…being the white knight? Always wanting to make things better?"

"I….I...think so." He remembered every time in his childhood when his parents were fighting and all he wanted to do was make them stop, feeling guilty when he didn't succeed. And Nancy, who turned nastier and nastier the longer they were together. He had done everything he could to make her happy but for some reason it never had been enough. He still felt guilty about that.

"Thought so." Starsky pulled him back from his reverie, "Stop doing that Hutch, it won't work."

It was quiet for some time and when Hutch looked at the man beside him he saw that Starsky had fallen asleep. _Good, maybe I can take a nap too. God, I'm tired._ He closed his eyes and was asleep within seconds.

He woke up not knowing where he was or what time it was. _It's dark, so it must be night….Am I at home or. …wait, I know. _"I'm at home and it's night." He'd said it out loud to check if he was awake or not. A voice next to him startled him and suddenly he knew _Starsky is sick and here with me._ He listened to the mumbled words for a while, then turned towards his friend to wake him up. Starsky was dreaming again and shocked, Hutch listened to the angry words. "No! I won't do it. I won't do your dirty job, so get out of here before I kill you!"

Hastily he turned on the bed light and tried to wake up Starsky who was getting angrier by the minute.

"Hey Starsky! Wake up, you're dreaming again!" but it was to no avail, the dream seemed to have Starsky in its claws and didn't want to let the brunet go. Hutch shook harder and almost shouted "Starsky! Wake up Starsk!"

Something in Hutch's voice seemed to penetrate through the nightmare and Starsky struggled his way back to reality. Hazy eyes blinked against the light as they tried to find Hutch's face. "Hey" he whispered "Wha's up?"

"I should ask you Starsk; you were dreaming again. What was it about this time? It sounded real bad."

"Yeah...I guess it was bad." He licked his dry lips and Hutch hurried to give him a drink, determined not to let the subject be pushed away this time. _Maybe it's time to push a little harder and get things on the table. It's killing him and I won't let that happen._ He thought back to their vacation three weeks ago, about the flashback, the nightmares and the memories, which were so clearly a result of his friend's time in Vietnam. He shivered at the thought of the contents of those nightmares and wasn't sure he wanted to know, but resolutely he pushed all hesitation aside. "Tell me about it."

"Huh?"

"Tell me about it."

"Why?"

"Because you have to talk about it sometime or it will drive you insane. Don't you understand that Starsk? If you don't let it out it will destroy you!"

Starsky said nothing, just stared at him, reluctance clearly in his expressive eyes. Hutch stared back as if willing Starsky to finally give in and open up to him. He watched the dark eyes close again and heard the deep sigh but no sign that the other man would start talking. _Maybe it's too early, look at him Hutchinson he's sick and you want him to talk about a past he'd better forget._ "I'm sorry Starsk, I shouldn't have asked."

Starsky smiled "Don't… you have ….every right to……ask."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah...but not………tonight….. too tired."

"Okay" Hutch agreed "but the minute you're not so tired I'm gonna ask you again and you'd better come up with some answers, my friend."

Starsky grinned, "Okay….boss."

"Now we have that sorted out for the moment I think it's time I'm going to check your IV and then you have to tell what you want or need before you go back to sleep."

"T'riffic."

"Get used to it, pal. I'll be in charge the next week, so stop whining and take it like a man." Hutch grinned and went to the other side of the bed to discover that he was just in time, the bag was almost empty. _Wow, I must be careful; maybe I should set the alarm every four hours._ A little nervous he changed the bags and even though it was the third time that day he'd done it, his fingers were shaking.

When the new bag was hanging on the hook Hutch sat down on the edge of the bed. "Anything you need Starsk? You wanna drink some more, eat some more, go to the bathroom?"

Starsky sighed, feeling tired by just the thought of it but nodded. "Bathroom."

"Okay and maybe I can change the sheets while you're doing what you need to do. That would save us both some energy, don't you think?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

"I think I need to do the laundry tomorrow. The way you use my sheets there won't be any left by tomorrow evening." He kept talking about domestic, common things while he helped Starsky to the bathroom trying to take the other's mind of the, for him, humiliating fact that he needed help with such a normal, daily routine. Somehow it went easier than earlier that day and when Starsky was safely seated on the toilet, Hutch took care of the damp sheets. _I'm getting the hang of this; before this week is over I'll be a first class nurse!_ He snickered at his own thoughts and hurried back to the bathroom. Starsky was sitting bent forwards, forearms leaning on his knees, hands hanging between his knees and his head resting on his chest, the very picture of exhaustion. Hutch knelt beside him. "Hey buddy; you're not sleeping are you?"

"Nah…..just resting." came the soft answer, "don't wanna sleep."

Hutch nodded, "you wanna take a shower?"

"Can't stand that long."

"Well," Hutch tried to come up with a solution fast, "how about…um…what if I put a chair in the shower? You can sit and have a shower then. You think that might work?"

"Maybe….we can try."

"Good." Glad that he'd been able to find an answer for the shower problem he went to the kitchen, grabbed a wooden chair with armrests and carried it to the bathroom. Quickly he placed it in the stall and turned on the hot water. After he'd checked if the temperature was right he turned to Starsky who was trying to sit straight and took him by the arm. "Your shower is waiting Starsk, are you ready to try?"

"Guess so."

"Okay, let's do it then." Gently he removed the sweatpants, much to the brunets' annoyance. "No time for modesty Starsk, if you wanna take a shower you'll have to take off your pants. Don't worry, you've got nothing that I don't have and you know you're virtue is safe with me."

"Easy for you…..to say."

"I know, but there is no other way pal."

Embarrassed for the second time that day, Starsky let Hutch help him to the shower and sit him down in the chair. The warm water felt good and he lifted his face into the spray to wash the sweat away.

"You want to wash your hair?"

"Too tired."

"You want me to do it for you?"

Starsky shook his head. "Nah……can do it….tomorrow."

"Come on Starsk, it'll make you feel better you'll see. Clean bed, clean hair; you'll sleep like a log."

"Do it quick Hutch, I'm real tired." _God, I can't say no to him, he's trying so hard._

"I will, promise."

Hutch handed Starsky a washcloth "You can take care of the important parts of your body while I wash your hair, okay?"

"Sure." was the listless reply.

Within five minutes Starsky was as clean as he would get that evening. It had taken the last ounce of his energy, but he had to admit that it felt good to be rid of the itchy sweat. Hutch turned off the water and draped a big, fluffy towel around Starsky's shoulders. With another towel he dried the wet curls gently, trying to avoid causing his patient pain. His friend's hunched shoulders told him he had to hurry and get Starsky back to bed before he collapsed. Carefully he started drying the broad back and when he heard no protesting words, he finished drying the exhausted Starsky without saying anything. He picked up his own bathrobe and draped it around Starsky as well as he could. "I'll get you a clean pajama bottom when we're back in the bedroom."

"'Kay." It was just a whisper and Hutch worriedly wondered how he would get the tired man back in the other room, no matter how close by it was.

They struggled back to the bedroom and with a grunt Hutch dropped Starsky on the edge of the bed. Moaning, the brunet fell on his back, the bathrobe falling open but Starsky didn't seem to notice. Hutch grinned, hung the IV bag on the hook and opened his drawer to get Starsky a pajama bottom. Still smiling he helped him getting decent again. "See, your virtue is safe with me." He tried to lift the pants over Starsky's hips but his friend had no strength left to lift his hips and Hutch had to give up his attempts to dress the sick man this way. "Starsk put your arms around my neck."

"Huh?"

"Put your arms around my neck."

Starsky opened his eyes. "Why?"

"So I can lift your ass from the bed and get you dressed."

"Shit," Starsky tried to sit up but was too weak, "just cover me up."

_When hell freezes over! I don't want you angry when you wake up._

"Do me a favor buddy and work with me here; I don't want you to hate me in the morning."

That brought a smile on the pale face. "'Kay then."

"Good boy." Hutch helped Starsky to sit up and when the smaller man put his arms around his friend's neck the blond braced himself and stretched out, taking Starsky with him standing up. With one arm he supported his swaying patient and with the other hand he lifted the pajama bottom until it was in place. Carefully he lowered Starsky on the bed again, lifted his legs in bed and covered him up with the sheet.

"You think you can sleep now?"

"Yeah, but…. I don't wanna."

Hutch sighed "I know, but I'll wake you up when it gets bad. I promise."

"I…I... I am scared Hutch."

Hutch went to the other side of the bed and sitting down on the edge of the mattress he asked "You want me to stay with you tonight? Maybe, when you know I'm here, the dreams won't come."

"No...yes, please."

"Okay then." Hutch stretched out, more tired than he wanted to admit. "Now, close your eyes and try to sleep. You need to rest Starsk; you need all the rest you can get to beat this thing." The last words were mumbled and without that he noticed Hutch fell asleep. Starsky smiled and fell asleep too.

The next two days followed the same routine for the two men. Starsky was too weak and sick to do anything by himself and Hutch helped him through the day and night, waking his friend when the nightmares appeared. At the end of the third day Hutch was too tired to stand on his feet any longer and Starsky, no matter how sick he was, knew it was time to do something about the impossible situation.

"Hutch…we gotta talk."

It was early in the morning and Hutch had just finished changing the IV bag. "What's the matter? You need something?"

"_We_ need something."

"We do?"

"Yeah...we need help."

"Why, we're…"

Starsky shook his head. "No, we're not and you know it." He looked at his friend and knew he was right when he saw the exhaustion in the blond's face.

"What do you mean? I'm...I'm…"

"You're tired and if…we don't find someone to... help….."

"It's alright Starsk, don't worry."

His eyes closed, Starsky whispered "Call Aunt Rosie."

"Aunt Rosie?"

"Yeah,… she knows ….and will come… and help."

"I don't know Starsk" Hutch sounded defeated, "Did I do anything wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"No Hutch, You've been t'riffic but……..you're tired."

"Well, if that's what you want, I'll call Rosie."

"Wait Hutch, it's not what I want….there is just no other way. You're at the end of your rope and I'll be sick for at least a day or three…………..You really think you can handle this three more days?"

"Of course……" Hutch was quiet when he saw the look in his friend's eyes. _He's really worried about me. God, he's right; I'm so freaking tired. _

"No, you're right Starsk, I am tired, but I don't want to give up taking care of you."

"Aaww Blondie, she ain't gonna be here day _and _night. Uncle Al would never agree with that." Starsky grinned softly "He can't even boil water without help."

Hutch snorted, "Sounds like Nancy."

"Hey, they would make a good couple don't you think?"

"Sure would" Hutch laughed, secretly relieved that a part of the care taking would be taken over by Rosie.

_She can't be too bad, she's his family and he wouldn't ask for her when she's a pain in the ass would he?_

"Hey, now I can enjoy my extra days off." It hadn't been easy to convince Capt. Fergusson that he really, really needed a week off. The man wanted to know what the urgent matter was that couldn't wait till later and Hutch hadn't want to tell him he had to take care of a sick friend. Fergusson wouldn't have understood, just like Hutch himself didn't understand why it was so important to him.

"Starsk?"

"Wha'?" was the sleepy answer.

"Does Rosie ..um … know?"

"Know what?"

"What happened…you know…..in 'Nam?"

He felt the relaxed body tense when he said the almost forbidden word, but he had to know if maybe Starsky's aunt could tell him more about that part of the past of her nephew.

"Why?"

"No reason" Hutch lied "I just wondered, that's all."

"No, she doesn't! Leave it Hutch, please leave it alone."

"Okay, okay, I won't mention it again. I'll call Rosie and ask her to come."

Rosie came without hesitating and took over the Hutchinson household the moment she passed the threshold. She was a small, dark haired woman, carrying two giant bags which turned out to be filled with food.

"Where is my Davey?" were the first words she said and when Hutch pointed to the bedroom, she hurried towards it. Hutch was overwhelmed by her sheer presence and couldn't say a word. Not sure what to do he followed her to the bed, to find a completely overwhelmed Starsky who looked at him almost begging for help.

Rosie never stopped talking "Oh my poor baby, why didn't you call me sooner? Everything will be all right now, you'll see. Rosie is here to help and you'll be up in no time." She hurried to the bathroom and returned with a damp towel. Sitting on the bed she began to wipe the sweat of her nephew's face, talking non-stop. "Did you call you mom, dear? She must be so worried, being so far away and you being so sick. I told your uncle Al not to count on me for at least three days. He didn't like that but I said: Al, our boy is sick and he needs me. If you are hungry, you know where to find me."

"Aunt Ros…"

"No, no, don't talk now, you need to rest. I'll take care of everything."

"Um….Mrs..."

"You can call me Rosie, dear." She threw a quick look at Hutch, who shyly tried to get the woman's attention.

"Oh….um…. Rosie, you don't have to stay here for three whole days…."

"Don't worry about that, dear. I'll stay as long as my baby needs me."

"Well, that's very kind of you ma'am, but I just need some help during the day. You see…."

"We'll talk about that later….erm?"

"Ken. I'm Ken Hutchinson." He held out his hand and she shook it impatiently, annoyed that he dared to distract her from her nephew.

Hutch stood there, feeling a stranger in his own bedroom and when he looked at Starsky he saw the grin on the pale face. He grinned back and turned around. "I'm gonna make coffee, you want some too?"

"Oh, yes please. I didn't have time to drink anything yet." She kept on wiping the sweaty face till Starsky turned his head away from her.

"What's wrong, Davey? Are you alright?"

"No aunty, I'm not….and …..you just make it worse….wiping my face …..It hurts."

"Oh, I'm sorry Davey. Maybe I should leave so you can get some sleep."

"Yeah, go and drink your coffee. And don't give Hutch a hard time ok?"

"Of course not! Who do you think I am?"

Starsky smiled "I know who and what you are aunty, so behave."

Muttering, Rosie left the bedroom, looking back at Starsky before she went to have her coffee. A soft smile appeared on her face when she watched him fall asleep. _That's it David, just sleep and everything will be fine soon._

Hutch was busy making coffee when Rosie joined him. She sat down and watched him intently as if to find out what to think of the blond man who was taking care of her sick nephew. Hutch almost felt her look at him and turned around. "Sit down, Ken, we have to talk."

Hutch nodded and sat down, immediately standing up again to get the coffee and cups. He was nervous and it bothered him to feel like that in his own home. He poured the coffee and shoved one cup to his visitor. "Milk or sugar?" he asked.

"No, thank you Ken. Sit down please, I won't bite; didn't David tell you that?"

"Yeah, I think he mentioned it." Hutch grinned, "But I'm not so sure now I met you. You're ….well…um..."

Not in the least offended Rosie laughed, "I know, I know. I can be a bit overwhelming and I'm sorry I acted that way," she didn't laugh anymore when she went on, "but I've been very worried about David since he came back from the war. His mother told me he had a hard time dealing with what had happened there."

"Do you know what happened, Rosie?" Hutch had to ask and although he'd promised Starsky to let it rest, he couldn't resist the opportunity.

He was disappointed when she shook her head. "Not exactly. His mother, my sister, told me he woke up almost every night when he'd just returned, crying and yelling and so very scared. She said he looked like he'd seen a ghost but he never wanted to talk about it." She sighed, "You know, six months after he'd come back he came to live here again. He said this was more home than New York, because he just about grew up here, but I think that the memories of his father back home didn't do him much good."

They drank their coffee in silence, both deep in thought. "We have to make some rules, don't you think?" Rosey was the first to break the silence "we should know what to do and who is doing it."

Hutch nodded "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I don't think there's much for you to do besides cooking maybe?"

"Honey, I know you want to take care of him but honest, there's no way you can do it all by yourself."

"I did it all alone so far," Hutch snapped, "and if it wasn't for Starsky's peace of mind, I never would have called you!"

"Even now he is so sick he's still thinking straight." Rosie said; obliviously proud of her nephew. "He knows you're not going to make it for another day without collapsing yourself. So I suggest you accept my help and get some rest while you can. I'm going to clean and do the laundry. I suppose you used about every sheet you own by now?"

"Yeah," Hutch smiled, "He's sweating so much, I can hardly change the bed enough."

"I know honey, I know. I've dealt with this before so nothing will surprise me."

"Rosie...can you give him his meds in time? And make sure he'll drink enough? I'll take care of the IV if you don't mind."

"Of course Ken, don't worry about that. What time do you need to change the bag?"

"About ten o'clock, so that gives me an hour to take a nap. If he needs to go to the bathroom you have to call me; you'll never be able to get him there. Oh, and if you need help with anything else just holler, okay?"

Smiling, the small woman nodded. "That's fine Ken. Now, go on and have some rest, you look like you're going to fall down any minute."

Still not sure that he wanted to hand over Starsky's care, Hutch shuffled to his living room, too tired to lift his feet properly and fell down on the lumpy couch. Within two minutes he was asleep and not even the sounds Rosie made while cleaning up did bother him.

A hand was shaking his shoulder gently and a soft voice was calling him but Hutch didn't want to wake up, he was still so tired and every attempt to open his eyes failed miserably. The shaking and the calling went on and Hutch realized, even before he really woke up, that Starsky needed him. He forced his eyes open and looked right at the worried eyes of a strange woman. "Wha' who….who are you?" he managed to say, "How's Starsky?"

"I'm sorry to wake you Ken, but David needs to go to the bathroom and the IV needs to be taken care of."

Hutch was on his feet before Rosie was finished talking. "I'm on my way."

He entered the bedroom and smiled when he saw Starsky's blue eyes staring at the door, impatience written clearly on his face. "Where were you?"

"Oh, I've been out to the beach." Hutch joked.

"T'riffic" the brunet muttered, "You're having a great time and I'm here all alone with the dragon lady."

"Hey, you wanted her to come Starsk, don't blame it on anyone else pal, besides, she's a very nice lady so stop calling her a dragon."

"Yeah, well….it's easy for you to say. You don't have to eat her chicken soup…..you lucky devil."

"That bad huh?"

"Worse! I told her not to make it but……"

"I wasn't at the beach Starsk."

"What?"

"I wasn't at the beach like I said before. I was taking a nap on the couch."

"Good for you, you needed that."

"Yeah and you need a trip to the bathroom and a new IV bag. I'm gonna call the doctor this afternoon, maybe the IV isn't necessary anymore."

"Great! I've had it with being fed through a needle."

"It's all up to you buddy." Hutch grinned. "As long as you drink more than you sweat out you're safe."

"Hey, give me something to drink will you? As long as it ain't chicken soup I'll drink anything."

"Okay, how about a cup of tea for a change?"

"Tea's fine but put lots of sugar in it."

"Sugar tea it is then. You want to go to the john first?"

"Yeah, I think I do, but maybe I don't need your help today Hutch; I'm feeling better, I really do!"

"Good, let's see if you can stand up on your own." Hutch stepped back from the bed and watched Starsky struggle with the sheet that covered him. Fighting the urge to help, he bit his bottom lip to stop himself from offering assistance. Finally Starsky was sitting on the edge of the bed, panting and sweating but proud of the fact that he had done it all by himself.

The next step was harder but with stubborn determination he pushed his tired body off the bed and stood swaying but unaided, a triumphant expression on his face.

Hutch watched his friend's battle for independence and feared the consequences. Ready to catch the brunet if he might fall, he smiled encouraging "You're doing great Starsk! You think you can walk to the bathroom without my help?"

"Nah, I don't ….think…I can." was the honest reply.

"Don't worry Starsk, you strength will come back, it'll just take some time."

"Who are …you telling that? It's…..not the first…..time, you know."

"Sorry, I forgot. You think you can make it to the john now?"

"Yeah……think so."

Hutch took the IV bag from the hook and put his arm around Starsky's shoulders. From the corner of his eye he saw Rosie looking at them and he smiled at her reassuringly. She nodded, smiled back and returned to her cooking and cleaning chores.

Slowly, but not as wearisome as the days before, they made their way to the bathroom and when Starsky was seated safely once again, Hutch left the room to wait outside the door. He watched Rosie changing the sheets for the umpteenth time and noticed the pile of clean sheets and towels neatly folded on the table.

"Rosie, you're fantastic!" he complimented the beaming woman, "What would I have done without you."

"Oh Ken, you would have thought of something I'm sure. What do you want for lunch? I've made some chicken soup but David doesn't want to eat it. I think I'll save it for Al, he likes my chicken soup."

"Sandwiches will be fine Rosie, you don't have to cook a complete meal; I think I'll be able to do some cooking today. Star…um, David seems to feel better so I expect I'll have a few minutes tonight to scramble up eggs or something."

"No! You can't just eat eggs, dear. You need a good, hot meal in your stomach. Tell me, did you get a decent meal the past three days?" She looked at him as if she already knew the answer and Hutch didn't have the courage to lie to her. "Well…" He was saved by Starsky who called him and with an apologetic smile he hurried back to the bathroom. "Saved by the bell huh?" Starsky grinned.

"You can say that buddy, you certainly can say that!"

"I think I wanna take a shower."

"That's okay Starsk; I'll get the chair and turn on the water. Just stay where you are, I'll be right back."

"Stay where you are he says," Starsky muttered "where does he think I can go?"

"What's that buddy?" Hutch put the chair in the shower stall. "Did you say something?"

"Nah, nothing important. Ain't the water hot yet?"

"Yep, it's fine. Come here and have your shower."

Starsky kicked his pants away from his ankles and stood up unaided. Three days in the care of his friend had taken away his embarrassment and with unsteady steps he walked towards the shower where Hutch was waiting for him. Carefully he sat down in the chair and let the hot water soothe his aching back. Hutch handed him a washcloth and soap but didn't ask if he needed help. Starsky was grateful for that, feeling a little more in control of his life than he had in days. Still, he needed some help and in companionable silence they 'worked' together. He stayed in the shower until the water ran cold and again he let his friend help him dry off, get dressed and get him back to bed. With a contented sigh he stretched out on the soft mattress and closed his eyes. "Thanks Hutch."

"You're welcome Starsk, besides; you did most of the work yourself. I'd say you're getting better pal."

"Yeah, think I have the worst behind me now." He yawned, eyes falling shut already. "But…you know, it's quite a nasty thing malaria, before you know it …you're ...back…"

Hutch smiled, watching Starsky falling asleep while talking and prayed that the worst was really over now.

Rosie waited for him in the kitchen area with fresh coffee and sandwiches. She had reluctantly agreed with Hutch not to cook a hot meal but had made sandwiches with all the trimmings instead. Hutch recognized lettuce, cheese, ham, tomatoes and had to admit it looked delicious. "It looks great Rosie, but you didn't have to do this you know. Just a cheese sandwich would have been fine."

"Of course I had to do this Ken. After all you did and still do for David this is the least I could do."

Blushing, Hutch sat down and started to eat. He was hungry and Rosie really had made something special out of an ordinary sandwich.

The dark-haired woman poured the coffee and drank carefully, watching Hutch who was visibly enjoying his food.

"How long do you and David know each other?"

Hutch looked up and swallowed his last bite of the sandwich. "About seven months. Why?"

Rosie shrugged. "I've never seen him so comfortable with anyone before. I thought you must have known each other for years now, but David never mentioned you so I……well, I wondered about why and how."

She shrugged again. "It's none of my business, I'm sorry I asked."

"To be honest Rosie, I have no idea why we are so at ease with each other. It's a mystery to me too but I guess it's friendship. I never had a friend like St…um David before but I _know _this is real friendship. "

"It's alright Ken, you don't need to explain anything to me. I just noticed how David seems to trust you and I know that doesn't happen very often. Actually, it never happens; David always keeps a certain distance with people he hasn't known very long. That's why I am surprised to see him so relaxed with you."

They finished their lunch in silence and while Rosie cleaned the table Hutch went to see how Starsky was doing. He was awake and asked, "Did you call the doctor yet? I wanna get rid of this damn needle."

"I'll call him right now; hold your horses will you? Another hour with the IV won't kill you."

Starsky scowled at him. "You had a nice chat with Aunt Rosie about me?"

Hutch grinned. "Oh yeah, she told me a lot about you I didn't know."

"Things you don't need to know, I guess. What did she say about me?"

"Well, that you were a very sweet child and that you never did anything you shouldn't have done."

Starsky snorted, "I bet she did. So, she was tightlipped huh? Hm, doesn't sound like Rosie at all. You're not lying to me Hutchinson?"

"I wouldn't dare buddy, I wouldn't dare." Hutch grinned, not wanting to tell his friend what he and Rosey had talked about.

"I'm gonna call the doctor now. You keep quiet and patient till I'm finished, okay?" He didn't wait for Starsky to answer and started to make his call.

Starsky tried to figure out what was said but with Hutch only giving monosyllabic answers he wasn't very successful. Impatient he tried to draw Hutch's attention but Hutch pretended not to notice. Finally he was ready and Starsky looked at him with big questioning eyes. "What did he say? I'm off the needle?"

"Well…..he said he would come over in two hours to check up on you and then we can talk about it. So, try to be patient till then. You think you can do that?"

Starsky mumbled something and shrugged. Hutch chuckled _he's just like a little kid who can't wait to get out of bed._ "You want to eat something Starsk? If the doc says you can do without the IV, you should try to get some food in your stomach."

The sound of the vacuum cleaner roared through the apartment and made talking almost impossible.

Starsky looked annoyed and he tried to make himself heard by shouting, "Tell her to stop that damn noise Hutch, I got a headache."

Hutch shook his head and pointed at his ears to make it clear he couldn't hear his friend. Starsky covered his ears with his hands in an attempt to shut the sound out but it wasn't enough; the thundering sound penetrated his head and he pulled the sheet over his head, desperately searching for some silence.

Hutch watched his friend and realized that Starsky was in pain because of the noise of his old, very badly functioning vacuum cleaner. He hurried back to the living area and pulled the plug out of the socket. A serene silence followed but was quickly disturbed by an angry voice. "What did you do that for? How can I clean your room when you won't let me use the vacuum cleaner?"

"Sorry Rosie" Hutch apologized "but I don't think this old thing is working properly. I need to buy a new one; the noise would wake up a dead body."

Rosie looked shocked. "Don't say that Ken, don't talk about such awful things like dead bodies. Gives me nightmares."

"Sorry," Hutch said again, "but the noise is giving Sta…David a headache and to be honest, I don't trust this thing; it might give you a shock if you continue to use it."

"So that's why it's such a mess in here." Rosie wrinkled her nose to show how she thought about Hutch's housekeeping skills.

Hutch blushed "No, I just have been too busy lately. I'll buy a new one when David is on his feet again."

"Promises, promises young man; besides buying a new vacuum cleaner doesn't mean you're going to use it. Ah, you young people don't understand the meaning of a clean house!" She started to put away the loud machine and asked, "Is there anything else you want me to do for you?"

"Rosie, you've been fantastic but I don't think there's anything else for you to do today. Go home and cook your husband a nice meal."

Rosie smiled. "Al will be delighted having me home in time to cook his dinner. Promise me to call me Ken whenever you need me."

"I promise Rosie. Thanks for everything."

Rosie collected her belongings and put on her coat. She kissed Hutch on the cheek. "Thank you for everything you do for my Davey." She went to the bed, kissed Starsky and left, leaving both men feeling relieved and a little guilty because they just about had thrown her out.

Just as Hutch was closing the door, the doctor arrived. "The doc is here Starsk." Hutch yelled to Starsky. "Hallelujah." Was the mumbled answer and Hutch grinned. He widely opened the door to let the friendly doctor in. "Glad you're early Doc, he's getting impatient."

"Sounds good to me." The doctor smiled. "Let's see if he really is that much better."

They entered the bedroom where they were welcomed with the words "Take me off the needle Doc, I'm drinking enough and I'm feeling better."

The doctor chuckled and shook his head. "Let me be the judge of that David. You should know that it's not that simple." He opened his bag and started the examination. He nodded a few times and once he wrinkled his nose but seemed quite satisfied with the results. "I'll be honest with you David; the worst seems behind you and if you are taking enough fluids I'll remove the IV, but you know as well as I do that there's always the chance of a relapse. Promise me that you will call me as soon as you feel worse or if you are having problems drinking enough." He looked at Hutch who nodded solemnly, "Okay then, here we go."

With skilled movements he removed the needle from Starsky's hand, took the bag from the hook and put a band- aid over the puncture mark. Putting everything in his bag he repeated his warning. "If there's anything that's worrying you, call me! Malaria is not something to mess around with."

"I will doc, I promise."

"And try eating some solid food too; nothing greasy or spicy but light digestible food to start with. You think you can manage that?" He looked at Hutch who nodded. "I'll take care of it Doc, don't you worry."

The moment the doctor was gone Starsky sat up in bed and demanded "Bring me something to eat Hutch; they have great burrito's two streets away."

"Uh, uh Starsk, no burrito's for you for at least two days. I'll make you a nice vanilla whip to start with."

"You're putting me on, aren't ya Hutch? I don't want a vanilla whip, I want a burrito!"

"You heard the doctor, didn't you? No burrito's, but I promise that you'll like what I'm going to make for you."

Starsky looked angry at him but Hutch didn't budge. He just stared back and smiled inwardly when Starsky looked away in surrender.

"I'll be right back."

"Don't hurry." Was the cheerless answer.

Hutch went to the kitchen, grinning and feeling as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders. Starsky was getting better and everything would be all right. _All I need to do is feed him the right food and get him to see a shrink._ "Yeah, right Kenny, that's all you have to do. Think again, he's going to fight you for that and you know it."

"What's wrong?" Starsky's voice from the bedroom brought him back from his thoughts. "Nothing Starsk, just thinking out loud."

"T'riffic," Starsky sighed, "Stop doing that ok?"

"Okay, I won't do it again. You want your tea now?"

"Yeah, okay."

Whistling softly, Hutch put on the kettle and started making Starsky's meal. He mixed some of his vitamins and minerals through the vanilla whip and dotted it with a little whipped cream. It looked good to him and with the tea in one hand and the bowl in the other he entered the bedroom.

"Your dinner Starsk." He put the items on the nightstand, ignoring the disgusted look on Starsky's face.

"You really made me a vanilla thing." Starsky's voice sounded disappointed.

"Sure, what do you think? The doctor told you to keep away from spicy crap and your stomach has to get used to solid food again. Now, if you eat this and it stays down we can try something else with a little more flavor; a real good vegetable soup maybe or..."

"Yuck, do you have to spoil it for me? Soup ain't food, it's fluid and I need real food to get my strength back."

"Stop acting like a baby Starsk and eat this. I didn't slave in the kitchen all day to get this bullshit from you. Now eat!"

Starsky's sour mood disappeared like snow in the sun and a big smile told Hutch that he had used the right words to chase away his friend's dark mood. "That's better." He said, still acting insulted, "Eat and be a good boy now." He smiled and handed Starsky the bowl and a spoon.

Carefully Starsky took his first bite and his face lit up when he tasted the sweet concoction Hutch had prepared. "Hey, this ain't bad. It's sweet and I like it." He took three more mouthfuls before he had enough. "I'll eat the rest later Hutch, I'm tired."

"That's fine Starsk, but you have to drink your tea now. Doctor's orders or the IV is back before you know it."

Starsky knew it and without saying a word he emptied the mug.

"While you take a nap I'm going to make my dinner." Hutch looked at his watch and was surprised to see it was just after four o'clock. "Hm, a little early for dinner. Maybe I'll take a nap too." He looked at Starsky and grinned; Starsky was sound asleep already. Quickly he walked to his living room and stretched his long body on the lumpy couch. He was asleep the moment he closed his eyes.

Hutch woke up just after sunset and the twilight made his own apartment look strange to him. He lay quiet, trying to relax his aching back, when he heard an unusual noise. He sat up, groaning and listened intently but the only thing he could hear was the ticking of the clock. He stretched carefully, yawned and stood up to turn on the light. He was halfway across the room when he heard it again; a soft crying that sounded so desperate that Hutch felt shivers running down his spine. In two steps he reached the light switch and a bright light hit his eyes but he didn't take time to get used to it because of the alarming sounds coming from the bedroom. In his haste to reach Starsky he almost tripped and bumped his hip against a chair but he didn't even feel it. His hand was shaking when he turned on the bedroom light and his breath caught in his throat at the sight of his bedroom in total disarray. The bed was stripped of sheets and blankets; even the mattress wasn't in its usual place. The chair was knocked over. _How can I have slept through all this? _And in a corner, hiding behind the mattress and blankets, was Starsky. His eyes were wide open but he didn't seem to be aware of Hutch's presence; he kept staring at the door, mumbling words Hutch didn't understand. _Flashback, he's having a flashback again. Easy now Hutchinson, don't scare him and think; what did I do the last time?_ Slowly, his eyes never leaving Starsky, Hutch moved closer to his friend. He held his breath when he reached out his hand to touch Starsky's shoulder but before he was halfway his hand was grabbed and he was pushed behind the mattress. "Ssh, don't move and keep quiet." Hutch nodded and tried to look into Starsky's eyes to see if there might be a hint of recognition but all he could see was fear and an intense sadness. "Starsky" he whispered but just like three weeks ago a hand was clamped over mouth to shut him up. Starsky's left arm was pressed against his throat, cutting off his windpipe, and Hutch knew he'd be a dead man if he didn't free himself quickly from the iron grip around his neck. He acted on instinct when he rammed his elbow in Starsky's stomach with all the strength he could muster and the next moment he could breathe again. Shocked by the incident and gasping for air he didn't move until he was roughly shoved aside by Starsky who stared at him, horrified and scared.

"I'm okay, Starsk," he croaked "take it easy."

He got no answer. He turned his head painfully in Starsky's direction and looked at him, wondering if the flashback still had his friend in its grip, but the way Starsky looked at him told Hutch that he was back in the present. Dark blue eyes stared at him, horrified, ashamed and disgusted.

"It's okay Starsk, I'm fine. Take it easy now, please."

"How…how can you say that?" Starsky was almost in tears "I nearly killed you!"

"No, no, you didn't." Hutch hurried to reassure Starsky.

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" Starsky yelled, frantic with fear and shame, "How can you say that?" he repeated whispering. "I could have killed you."

"You weren't yourself Starsk, you were back there again. You were in danger."

No answer this time just a shake of the curly head and then Starsky tried to stand up but he couldn't; the adrenaline leaving his system, made him feel weak and lightheaded.

"Stay where you are Starsk, I'll make the bed for you and then you can lie down." He waited a few seconds before he got to his feet, but Starsky didn't seem to notice what Hutch was saying or doing; he sat huddled behind the mattress trying to shut the world out.

Hutch picked up the mattress, taking away Starsky's safe place, and when Starsky did not react he threw it on the bed. With careful and deliberate movements he took the blanket that Starsky still had clutched in his hands and gently he freed it from the tight grip. He found the sheet dumped in a corner and the pillow thrown to the other side of the room as if to chase the enemy away.

"Are you still with me Starsk?"

"You should take me to the nuthouse; I'm dangerous."

Hutch smiled "Well, there's still time to do that buddy, but now not now; I have to make a bed right now."

Quickly but calmly he finished making the bed and returned to sit with Starsky who just stared ahead, motionless, like he was in a trance.

"Hey Starsky," Hutch gently nudged his arm, "you're ready to go back to bed and leave this cold floor, uh?"

"I can't be trusted Hutch, I'm dangerous; I almost killed you." The last words were choked out and a tear escaped his eye. "How can you ask me to stay when I wanted to kill you?"

"Come on Starsk" Hutch took his arm and helped him on his feet "We're gonna talk about this when you're back in bed again."

Meekly, Starsky did what Hutch asked him and followed him to the bed. Hutch made him sit on the edge, lifted his feet on the mattress and pushed him gently backwards until he finally lay stretched out, muscles tensed and hands fisted into tight balls.

_How can I help you Starsk? I'm not a shrink; I have no experience with heavy stuff like this._ "Are you hungry Starsk?" _Great Kenny, that's brilliant!_ "I can make us something to eat."

"No, not hungry."

_Okay, it's a start._ "I'm gonna get us something to drink. I think you need that. Wait a second, I'll be right back."

He made them tea, coffee would probably make Starsky tenser and he needed him to be as calm and relaxed as possible. With two steaming mugs he entered the bedroom where Starsky still was lying the way he'd left him.

"Here, I've made tea with lots of sugar for you, sweet tooth."

He set the mugs on the nightstand, climbed in bed beside Starsky without saying a word, trying to appear completely at ease with the situation.

From the corner of his eye he saw Starsky turning his head and looking at him, a confused expression on his face. Hutch smiled inwardly and waited for Starsky to start talking. He didn't have to wait long.

"Ain't you afraid of me?"

Hutch looked at him and shook his head. "No."

"Why…but…I tried to kill you."

"No, you didn't Starsk, you did not try to kill _me_, you tried to defend yourself from the enemy. That's an entirely different thing." Hutch reached for his tea "You want your tea now?"

"Um…yeah, okay." Starsky slowly worked himself into a sitting position, his back resting against the headboard of the bed. He was tired but the mystery that Hutch turned out to be kept him awake and thinking. He just didn't understand how his friend could be so calm and relaxed, although he had almost choked him to death. _He's not even scared of me. God, I'm scared of me but he isn't!_

Hutch watched quietly how all kind of emotions showed on Starsky's face. He could almost see the thoughts run through his head and he would have given his last dime to know what Starsky was thinking.

"Hutch…" Starsky's voice sounded so scared and insecure that Hutch had to fight off the urge to pull him in his arms; but he felt that would not be the right thing to do at this moment.

"You think I'm going crazy?"

Hutch looked him right in the eyes and said with all the sincerity he could gather "No! You are not crazy. You've been through hell and back and now you'll have to find a way to deal with it."

"But…I can't forgive myself."

"What Starsky? What can't you forgive yourself?"

Starsky sipped his tea, stalling to answer. With his eyes closed he whispered "That I couldn't stop them and that I let them force me to do…things."

"Can you tell me what they made you do?" Hutch's voice was soft and gentle, "Maybe, when you tell it to me, it won't haunt you anymore."

Starsky shrugged "If only it was that easy…"

Hutch smiled. "No, it won't be that easy, but it would be a start…Listen to me Starsk, if you think you can't tell me I'm gonna call the doctor and ask him for a good therapist. This has to end buddy, you can't go on like this and I'm capable of getting a professional here tonight."

Starsky stared at him open-mouthed and then grinned, "You would do that, wouldn't you? Get someone here in the middle of the night, just because I have nightmares."

"Yes, I would."

"You know," Starsky started, his eyes fixed on an invisible spot on the wall, "I didn't mind being drafted; I didn't have anything better to do and it was kind of adventurous I guess. Boot camp was kinda like the academy but when we arrived in 'Nam…God, it was so hot and so strange, I felt so out of place there." He shivered at the memories, "All I wanted was to go home again."

Hutch kept silent, waiting for Starsky to continue but fearing the rest of the story.

"At first," Starsky went on, still staring at the wall, "we were only on patrol, which was bad enough because it was so damn hot and humid. You had to be alert all the time because the VC were everywhere and you couldn't see them; they were hiding so damn good and those rice paddies where they were hiding were infested with leeches. Every night we had to burn them from our bodies with cigarettes." He shivered again and Hutch shivered with him.

"Then, one day," Starsky said, completely emotionless as if it was just somebody else's story, "one of the high ranked officers decided that I was good enough for the "Special Unit". There were about twelve of us and we were taught to kill without making any noise."

Hutch closed his eyes, horrified at the thought of people turning into killing machines and of the thought of a young soldier forced to become that.

Starsky seemed to read his thoughts. "I didn't know what I was doing Hutch, believe me, I had no idea what they were doing with us. I even felt proud that I was one of the few good enough for special assignments. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? But really, when you're in the middle of a war in a strange country, you get your priorities all wrong. There were times I forgot that the enemy were people, not just things that needed to be destroyed."

"I'm sorry Starsk, I'm so sorry you had to do that." Hutch voice sounded hoarse with emotion.

"That's not all, Hutch. The worst is yet to come. Should I stop or do you wanna hear the rest of the nightmare?"

"Go on." Hutch whispered, wondering why he wanted to hear more.

"Okay then." Starsky cleared his throat and went on. "I won't go into details 'cause to be honest I don't think I can say what I did. We worked at night mostly, looking for guards, snipers and everything else that moved. We were good Hutch, really good. I stopped counting when I'd killed number fifteen with my bare hands because by then it didn't make me feel so good anymore."

Hutch swallowed, seeing in his mind a very young soldier sneak through the night and kill unknown people with his bare hands. He felt Starsky look at him and slowly he turned his head to answer that look.

"They weren't people to us Hutch, they were the enemy and we had to kill them or be killed ourselves. It was like getting rid of…of…a disease. Fight it or die!"

Hutch nodded, not able to say a word.

"I need a drink Hutch and I think you need a real stiff drink."

"Yeah…I think I do." His mind was still in another country and in another time and although he'd heard what his friend had asked him he didn't move a finger. Starsky snapped his fingers right before his face. "Are you home Hutch?"

"Huh? Oh yes, yes, sorry. I'll go and get something to drink." He stood up, still in thought, and walked slowly to the kitchen, wondering was he was doing there. _Oh god, what else will he tell me and how the hell am I going to deal with that? What did they do to you buddy? What did they make of you?_

"Hutch!"

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing out there? Need some help?"

"What? Oh, no I'm fine. What do you wanna drink?"

"Beer."

"I don't think so Starsk, you're still on medication so no beer for you pal."

"Geez man, I'm telling you about my sordid past and you deny me a beer?"

"Yes I do and tomorrow you'll thank me for it."

"Now you sound like my mother again."

Hutch grinned softly, grateful for the diversion and opened the fridge. He decided to make them both hot chocolate; maybe it would get him warm inside again and it would be nutritious too for Starsky.

A few minutes later he was back in the bedroom with two steaming mugs in his hands. "I made us hot chocolate, is that alright with you?"

"Great, first you make it and then you ask. I can hardly say no, can I?"

"No, besides you didn't eat much today so you can consider it dinner."

"Hm, smartass."

They drank in silence and Hutch's thoughts went back to the story Starsky was telling him. _It's so peaceful here, how can I keep it that way?_

"I'm tired Hutch. I can't talk to you now, I've got to sleep."

"That's alright Starsk. We'll talk later again when you've had a good night sleep."

"Night Hutch."

"Night Starsk."

Hutch couldn't sleep. He was waiting for Starsky to wake up or having another nightmare. _After all, he's been reliving that hell all over again this evening; I can't imagine him to have a good night's sleep._ Hutch couldn't sleep anyhow after the first part of Starsky's story. He kept seeing people moving stealthily in the dark, could almost feel the humidity and heat, taste the fear that surrounded those people and cursed the entire universe for doing such horrible things to people. _God, they were only kids fighting a war that wasn't theirs, killing people they didn't know and god knows what else._ He shivered for the third time that night and turned to his right side so that he could watch Starsky in the dim glow of the light. He waited a long time but Starsky was sound asleep and after a while Hutch's eyes became heavy and finally he fell asleep too.

A few hours later a bloodcurdling scream made him sit up straight and scrambling for the light switch before he was really awake. The harsh light made him feel dizzy but the sight of Starsky made him feel sick. Starsky was still asleep, but the look on his face told a story of anguish and fear and hurting so badly that Hutch couldn't move for three long seconds. Then he got his act together and shook his friend awake. "Starsky! Wake up, come on Starsk, open your eyes."

"No, go away, stay away from me!"

"Starsky, it's me Hutch. You're safe now, come on buddy, wake up please."

Fighting his way back from the nightmare Starsky opened his eyes slowly and suspiciously he looked around. The room he was in was familiar in a pleasant way, not like the room in his dream and when he finally discovered Hutch watching him, he mumbled, "Thank god I'm not there."

"No, you're here, with me. Are you ok now Starsk?"

"I don't know if I'll ever be ok again."

Hutch climbed in the bed again and brushed his hand softly over Starsky's bare arm. He was happy to see that the arm was not pulled away from the touch and gently he continued the soothing gesture.

With the lights on the haunting images were pushed to the background but were always present in Starsky's mind and he knew that any moment they could pop-up again.

"You wanna drink something Starsk?"

"Yeah, okay. I don't think I can sleep any more tonight."

Hutch jumped out of bed again to make tea for the both of them. Tea with a lot of sugar for Starsky and with a little milk for himself. Just like a few hours earlier they drank in silence until Starsky started to talk.

"You know the story of 'My Lai' Hutch?"

"Yes, I read about it."

"I was there."

_Oh my god, no Starsk, not there, not there._

"We called it Pinkville, don't ask me why. It was a small village and we were told it was a hiding place for the VC so we had to get them out of there." Again his voice was without emotion and again he was looking at a spot on the wall. Hutch's heart was heavy when he listened to a story about death and destruction.

"In my dreams it's always dark but we attacked at dawn; that's the best time because everybody is still asleep then so you surprise them completely. And we did. We surprised women and children…..women and children Hutch!" He closed his eyes. "There were no men there, not one single man but we were ordered to shoot everybody, burn down the village, the crop and kill the cattle." A sob escaped him but he pulled himself together. "You know, they told us that all women and children were gone before we got there but they lied, they lied to us Hutch!"

Frozen in horror, Hutch listened still stroking Starsky's arm. He didn't know what to say, had no idea what it must have been like but aching for his friend who had to live with these awful memories.

"I didn't want to be part of that…that…senseless killing of innocent people but they forced me to go on shooting, killing; all that blood, all those screaming kids, all those running women. I don't remember it but I must have thrown my weapon away and tried to escape from this hell but they stopped me and took me back, gave me gun and told me to shoot or be shot."He cried desperately, without shame "I wish they would have killed me there and then Hutch, I really wish they would have."

Hutch wiped away his own tears and put his arms around the shuddering body. "I'm glad they didn't Starsk. I am so grateful you survived."

"How can you say that? How can you even be with me in the same room?"

"Because you're my friend and because you didn't have a choice than to obey."

"No! No, I did have a choice!" Starsky pulled away from Hutch. "I didn't obey them in everything. I did say no, I did try to get away but in the end, when you look at what happened, I'm just as guilty as everybody else. I didn't stop them! I didn't stop them."

Hutch tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. "How could you have stopped them Starsky, how could you have stopped this massacre from happening? You were about the only one who had the decency to see what was happening. You against so many, that was never an option, don't you agree?"

Starsky kept silent, crying softly, grieving, hurting and hating himself. Hutch carefully put a hand on the shaking back and started rubbing soothing circles in an attempt to calm Starsky down a little. It seemed to work because Starsky relaxed a bit and took a deep, shaky breath before he said, "In my head I know you're right, but my heart says something else." He rested his head against the headboard and looked at the ceiling. "You know what always comes back in my dreams?"

"No, tell me about your nightmares."

Still looking at the ceiling Starsky told him "There were only women and children in the village, not one man but my CO told us to shoot everybody and we did; we shot women and children but I couldn't do it. I knew that is was so wrong. I ran away and hid in the bushes but they were burning the bushes too so I had to leave my hiding place. I guess by then everybody had gone berserk, they hadn't even noticed I wasn't with them in their bloodthirstiness and they were shouting and cheering. They were really cheering Hutch." He shuddered and took another deep breath. "They were raping the women and girls, no matter their age. In my nightmares I always see them raping a very young girl and I knew she was dead. She was dead Hutch and they kept raping her, over and over again." He looked Hutch in the eyes "It really happened, it's not just a dream, it really happened." He tried to read Hutch's face and all he saw was pain and grief, no rejection, no hate, no disgust. He tried to get a hold on his emotions but failed miserably and again he felt tears in his eyes; this time it were tears of relief because his best friend didn't hate him for what he'd done.

"What can I do to help you Starsk? I'm not a specialist in this kind of things."

"You are helping me, you aren't disgusted by me and you don't hate me."

"No, I don't hate you, how could I hate you? You had no choice, you hear me? You had no choice!"

"Maybe not: but I did throw grenades and I did kill people and it was all so wrong."

"Yes you did, but not by choice; you were ordered to do so and you followed that order."

Starsky shook his head but said nothing. Hutch was still rubbing his back and it felt good, undeserved but good.

"Starsk?"

A deep sigh and then "yeah?"

"Um, you know what we have to do don't you?"

Starsky knew but he wasn't ready to leave his sanctuary yet, not even in his mind. He just wanted to stay where he was and leave the world outside for a while. "Yeah, I know."

"Good."

A peaceful silence followed and both men tried to come to terms with what just had been said and heard. Hutch hated to disturb Starsky's tranquil state of mind but he knew they both needed some rest so, still rubbing Starsky's back, he asked "You think you can sleep now?"

"Huh? No I don't think so; keep seeing that girl when I close my eyes."

_Shit, of course he can't sleep! You think you can sleep now Kenny? Thought not._

"What if I get the Monopoly and we play a game or two?"

"Monopoly? You got a monopoly game?"

"Um, yeah I have."

"Great, I love Monopoly! Get ready to be beaten completely pal."

"Oh yeah? You think you can beat me? The master of the game?"

"With both hands behind my back buddy."

"Okay bigmouth, show me what you got."

Hutch went to the kitchen and returned ten minutes later with a tray and the game. He'd made coffee and sandwiches in case they got hungry. The board placed on the bed, the money and cards in place and coffee in their hands they began to play.

"Hey, I thought you were so good at this."

"I am, but not if I don't play with the race car."

"Sorry, but the car is somewhere in the trash I'm afraid. Must have been vacuumed up."

"How in the hell can you vacuum up a car?"

"Well, it's a very small car; I guess I didn't see it."

"T'riffic."

"Stop whining and play."

"Hey, who's whining?" Starsky yawned and leaned back. "I don't think I can tell this to anybody Hutch."

"You told me."

"Yeah…well, you're not anybody."

"I think I'll take that as a compliment but you know there is no other way to deal with all this. Trust me when I say that it's the only way."

"I do trust you Hutch, but how could you possibly know what I need to do right now."

"Because…I know Starsk, believe me, I know."

Keeping his eyes on the board Hutch waited for the inevitable question he knew would follow.

"But you weren't in the army! You never fought in any war! How do you…."

"It's not always a war that brings …problems."

"No, maybe not……but you were in college and in med school…what …"

"Something happened when I was in college Starsk."

"Oh."

Absentmindedly Starsky threw the dice and moved the hat on the board. He didn't pay attention to where the hat ended up and Hutch didn't notice that Starsky landed on one of his streets.

"What happened Hutch?"

"Not now Starsk, I'll tell you later."

"Hey, that's not fair! I told you everything and you…."

"I will tell you, but not now. I'm not ready for that."

"You think _I_ was ready for telling you? You really think _I_ was ready to spill my guts and cry all over you?"

"No…no Starsk, I don't think you were but….I've been …well…um treated… and I um…I left it all behind me."

With an angry growl Starsky swept the Monopoly board off the bed. "You're a real bastard Hutch! All this talk about trust and friendship; you don't trust _me_, do you? You just wanted to hear another pathetic story to be sure you're not the only one who screws up sometimes, didn't you?"

Hutch looked at him and saw right through the anger; he saw hate, pain, regret but most of all he saw fear. Fear of losing a friend, fear of going crazy and fear for the coming therapy Starsky knew was necessary.

"No Starsk, you're all wrong. I do trust you but now you're not strong enough to deal with my mistakes. You've got plenty to deal with yourself right now. It's not fair to give you more horrors to think of."

"Dammit Hutch, I'm not a kid anymore, I can…."

"No, you're not a kid but you're still sick and…I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry."

Starsky sighed, feeling very tired suddenly. "Never mind, I'm falling asleep anyway."

"Not a bad idea, it's almost getting light. Maybe you'll feel better when you wake up."

"Yeah, maybe."

Hutch cleared the bed of the money, cards and other stuff and straightened the sheets. "Lie down Starsk, I'll take the couch."

Without saying a word Starsky lay down and closed his eyes. "I'm not angry Hutch." He mumbled and fell asleep.

"I know Starsk." Hutch answered, turned out the lights and returned to the couch.

He sat down and sighed, leaning his head against the back of the couch, unwanted memories returning with a vengeance. _I'm so sorry, Hank. We were so stupid and you paid the ultimate price without me even noticing it. _He folded his arm over his eyes to block away the images but it didn't work. He kept seeing the lifeless body of his college friend, lying on the floor of his room. Finally he dozed off, the almost sleepless night catching up on him. In his half sleeping state distorted images and sounds haunted him until he woke up with a jolt to find Starsky sitting next to him.

"Wha…why aren't you in bed?"

Starsky shrugged. "Can't sleep."

"But you look so tired."

"Didn't say I'm not tired, just can't sleep."

"You need something? Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

"I need a shower; I'm sweating all over the place again."

Hutch grinned "Yeah, well that's part of the game called malaria."

"Hm, never seen it as a game before. 'S not funny to me."

"No, I guess not. Take a shower and go back to bed."

"Uh uh, no bed for me today. I'm gonna try to stay up for a while and then I'll take the couch. It's time you get some good sleep in your own bed."

"Oh no Starsky, you're not spending the day on my lumpy couch."

"Oh yes I am Hutch."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Oh what the hell; do what you want but don't come to me complaining about the couch; I've warned you!"

"No, mom, I won't. I'm gonna take that shower now."

"You need help?"

"I'll holler if I need you."

Hutch watched Starsky slowly shuffle towards the bathroom. _He really seems a lot better; maybe he's right and I'm hovering over him too much._ He went to the bedroom to make the bed with clean sheets and to pick up the Monopoly game that lay scattered about on the floor. _We could play another game later, it would pass the time._ He discovered the untouched sandwiches and the cold coffee and took them back to the kitchen. _Night is over, new day to survive_ He started the coffee maker and thought about making new sandwiches but decided against it. _Health shake for me today and for Starsk too. He needs a little healthy, nutritious food and it will do him a world of good._ "The only thing is how will I ever get him to drink a health shake. Ah yes, ice cream will do the trick, he'll never know what he's drinking."

Pleased with his plan he started to make an adjusted health shake, adding a liberal amount of vanilla ice cream. When he was done he smelled and tasted his concoction and nodded satisfied. _He'll never guess he's drinking one of my health shakes._

Humming softly he made his own shake and startled when Starsky showed up behind him. "Why are you so pleased with yourself?"

"Give a guy a heart attack! Don't sneak up on me, will you?

"I didn't sneak up on you, Blondie. Now, why are you so pleased with yourself?"

"Because I made you something very nice to eat…. Or drink. I think you're gonna love it."

"Should I be worried about what you put in it?"

"Ice cream Starsk, ice cream."

"Hey, that sounds good but still, do I have to worry about the other stuff you threw in it?"

"No, you don't. Drink it and you'll see it's delicious."

Suspiciously Starsky sniffed at the glass, then carefully took a sip and concentrated on the flavor. A smile appeared on his face and he took another, much larger sip. "Hey, that tastes really good Hutch. I could start every day with this without complaining." He emptied the glass in a few gulps and put it down. "That was great! Thanks Hutch."

Hutch tried to hide a satisfied grin and drank his own shake in a few swigs. "You need to take your pills Starsk."

"Oops, almost forgot. I'll be right back."

Hutch poured two mugs with coffee and set them on the kitchen table. He sat down, waiting for Starsky to return. Again his thoughts wandered back to his college time and the terrible accident that had happened. He rested his head in his hands and sighed.

"Are you alright Hutch?"

"Yeah, yeah I am; just tired."

"Uh, uh, tired huh? You could have fooled me."

"What, why shouldn't I be tired. I've been running after you for four days now, you've been waited on hand and foot and I shouldn't be tired?"

"Of course you're tired Hutch but this is about something else, isn't it? I should know, I've been there myself remember?"

"Yeah, you were. Aren't you tired Starsk? Maybe you should…"

"Yes, I'm tired and no I shouldn't. Tell me your secret, I already told you mine."

"Okay then. Where do I begin?"

"At the beginning I'd say."

"At the beginning…..okay. I never had many friends when I was a kid and in high school it wasn't any different, but when I went to college I met Hank. He was a shy guy, with a boozing father and a mother that was always sick. He didn't have a happy home and because I wasn't particularly happy at home we kinda became friends." He looked at his hands, trying to form the right words in his head so his story would be short but clear.

Starsky waited for him to go on and quietly drank his coffee.

"You know, we studied together and sometimes went to parties, but not too often because mostly we weren't invited. But one day we were at a party and someone had brought pot with him. Hank insisted on trying but I didn't want to at first. Stuff scared me, didn't want to lose control, you know."

"Oh yeah, I know!" Starsky grinned. "I remember the first time I smoked pot; wow, I felt like I was in heaven."

Hutch looked at him, disbelief in his eyes.

"What, you don't believe me? Man, smoking pot was the only thing that kept you sane in that country. Well, at first it did, later on… well, never mind. Go on."

"Okay…Hank smoked it and it made him very cheerful and happy. He told me about beautiful colors and great music and then I wanted to try it too. Just once, to know what it was like and god I liked it! It made me feel so good and …happy. I could have danced all night and I'm not even a very good dancer."

Starsky smiled but said nothing.

"We smoked pot every weekend and we felt even better when we drank beer with it. Man, we were high those nights, feeling great and on top of the world. It was enough for me but Hank…Hank wanted more, trying the real stuff like he called it. I begged him not to start with that but I couldn't stop him from buying….heroine. I swear Starsk, I swear, I didn't know he had the shit with him that night. I swear, I didn't know he was going to use it in my room." He swallowed painfully, unable to go on and Starsky did what Hutch had done for him that night; he started rubbing Hutch's back in soothing circles and just like that night, when it had calmed Starsky, it calmed Hutch now. They sat in silence for a while until Hutch found the courage to go on. "I was drunk and high; I never noticed anything going wrong but when I sobered up…I saw him…lying on the floor…dead."

"Aw shit, Hutch, that's awful...man, that's terrible. No wonder you don't wanna talk about it. But it wasn't your fault, you didn't give it to him, you know that, don't you?"

"It was my fault Starsk, I never noticed anything! Great friend I am huh? Let my buddy die because I was too high myself. God, I'll never forgive myself."

"I know the feeling but you have to forgive yourself because it wasn't your fault. He took the horse himself and he…did he OD?"

"Yes, beginners luck they said. He had no idea what he was doing."

"I'm glad you didn't try the real stuff Hutch, I really am."

"Yeah, me too."

Both tired and emotionally drained they were silent for several long minutes before Hutch got up. "I'm gonna take a shower. Will you be alright?"

"Sure, I've got this couch all to myself now; I think I'll take a nap till you're back."

"You do that and when I'm back I'm gonna call somebody."

"Okay." Starsky was half asleep already.

Starsky snuggled his head in the soft pillow and dozed off. In his half sleep he saw a dead boy's body on the floor and when he looked closer he saw it was Hutch. "Nooooo" he cried out "No not Hutch, not you buddy, not you!"

His own cry woke him up and startled he looked around; no dead body on the floor and he heard the shower running. _Hutch is in the shower, he's not dead. Hank is dead not Hutch._ Shaking he waited till Hutch returned, the awful images still vividly in his mind.

"Hey, what's up Starsk? Are you okay?"

He hadn't heard Hutch coming back in the room, engrossed as he was by his nightmare. "Huh?"

"Are you alright?" Hutch saw the haunted look on Starsky's face "Did you have a bad dream again?"

"Dream?...Oh yes…yes I had a dream."

Hutch sat down beside him. "Listen Starsk, this has gone on long enough now. I'm gonna call a friend of mine. I know him from med school and he is a very good psychologist. I'm gonna ask him for help, okay?"

"I…I don't know. What's he gonna do you think? Will he tell Dobey that I'm nuts? Or maybe he'll deliver me straight to Cabrillo."

"No, he won't. You're not crazy; you just need help to deal with what happened to you, just like I did."

Starsky stared at him. "You've been to a psychologist?"

"Yes, I was a real mess after Hank died."

Nervous, Starsky picked at his nails. "Did it help?"

Hutch nodded. "Yes, it did. Not right away but after a while I started to feel better. I think he made me understand that it wasn't my fault, that it was an accident."

"Hm, do you trust him?"

"Yes, I trust him."

"Okay then" Starsky sighed, "Call that guy."

Not wanting to lose another second Hutch picked up the phone and dialed a number. He waited, tapping one foot impatiently. Relieved he heard the phone being picked up on the other end.

"Hi Pete, it's Ken. You remember…?"

…………………………………………..

"Right, I'm glad you haven't forgotten me. I want to ask you a favor."

………………………………………………………………………….

"Well, it's a little difficult to explain on the phone but if you could come by sometime I'd be more than grateful."

………………………………….

"That's great! Thanks Pete, see you this afternoon. You know where I live, don't you?"

………………………………

"That's the place. Thanks Pete."

Hutch put down the receiver and turned to Starsky who had been listening, scared and nervous. "What did he say?"

"He'll be here this afternoon at three o'clock. He's having a few days off."

"T'riffic" Starsky muttered, "not even time to hide."

"Hiding won't help and you know it. I'm gonna call Dobey to tell you're not coming for another two weeks."

"No, you can't do that! He'll wanna know why and then you have to tell him I've gone crazy."

"Starsky, listen to yourself. You're sick, you've got malaria and that's not something like a head cold you know. It takes at least three weeks to recover from that and even then….who am I telling this? You know what malaria is and what it does to you, so don't give me that bullshit."

"Alright, hold your horses; you've made your point. I won't run and hide and you can call Dobey. He's gonna love it that I'm out of his hair a little longer."

"Glad we're on the same track again. Now, lie down and relax, I'm gonna make a pot of tea. You haven't drunk nearly enough since the IV came out."

"Okay mum." Starsky turned on his left side and tried to relax.

When Hutch returned with the tea Starsky turned on his back. "Hey Hutch, that shrink friend of yours is not gonna ask me everything about when I was a kid, is he? I don't wanna talk about that time, you know, when my father died and all."

"I don't think so, but I'm not sure. The most important thing I think is your time in Vietnam. Don't think your childhood has much to do with that."

"Shit, this is all so embarrassing."

Hutch smiled, understanding how difficult the situation was for Starsky. "Here, drink your tea. I've made it so sweet the spoon won't move anymore."

"Great! The sweeter the better,"

"That's awful Starsk; your stomach won't thank you for this."

"Don't insult my stomach, it's used to it and feels fine with everything I eat and drink."

"We'll see about that when you're fifty, pal."

"We'll see about it then, yes."

Starsky finished his tea and yawned. "I'd better take a nap before shrink friend arrives."

"Yeah, you should, after last night you must be tired."

"You know Hutch, the way you say that gives a whole different meaning about last night."

Hutch blushed. "Well, you know what I mean."

Starsky grinned "_I_ know what you mean but if you ever gonna say that in front of shrink friend he's gonna get a very wrong impression about us."

"Don't call him like that! His name is Pete and he is a very nice guy."

"Oh, I'm sure he is, just a bit nosy I guess."

"Go to sleep Starsk."

"What will you do while I sleep?"

"Oh, clean up and take care of my plants; I've been neglecting them for days."

"Sounds exciting."

"Shut up and sleep."

Starsky laughed, turned on his left side again and closed his eyes. The normal day sounds Hutch made while washing the dishes and watering the plants were soothing his frayed nerves and soon he drifted off into a restful sleep.

The sound of voices awoke him from a sound sleep and while he rubbed his eyes with his knuckles he tried to hear what was said. To his annoyance all he heard was mumbling and he couldn't understand a single word. The door opened and Hutch came in followed by a big, red-haired man.

"Ah, you're awake I see."

"Yeah, thanks to all the noise you made."

"I'm sorry for that, but I want to you to meet Pete, an old friend of the family."

Starsky sat right up and looked at the stranger standing behind Hutch suspiciously.

"You're the shrink."

Pete laughed, not in the least offended by the rather hostile tone in Starsky's voice.

"No, I'm not a shrink; I'm a therapist and specialized in what's bothering you."

"T'riffic, you've been talking about me behind my back."

Pete smiled "It's easier for me to know just a little bit about the situation you're in. We didn't talk about you but about war issues."

"Is that how you call it? War issues?"

"How would you call it then?"

"Therapy already started?"

Pete laughed, a pleasant sound that made Starsky a little less nervous. "Let's have a drink first, so we can get to know each other better."

Starsky stood up from the couch "Okay, I'm thirsty anyway."

They went to the kitchen and Hutch poured Starsky a large glass of orange juice.

"I wanna beer."

"You can't have beer and you know it; you're still on medication, remember?"

Shrugging, Starsky took the glass and drained it in one big gulp. He looked at Pete "How do you know Hutch?"

"I know Ken since he was a kid. I used to work in the same hospital his father worked in and sometimes he came to see his dad."

"I bet the old man didn't like that."

"Well, not always but some times his mom had to be somewhere and left him to play in his father's office."

Hutch listened without saying a word; the memories from this particular part of his childhood were happy memories. He remembered the few times he was in his father's office, playing with the toys he had brought with him. His father had been kind then and he wished things hadn't changed so much over the years.

Pete was perfectly at ease with all the questions Starsky asked him. He understood the nervousness and fear of his new patient; after all, he'd been a therapist for many years now and every patient was nervous at first.

"David, do you want Ken to be present for our sessions?"

Starsky looked at Hutch who smiled at him. "No…I don't think so."

"That's okay, Starsk." Hutch reassured him.

"Since you're still sick and probably not in a condition to go out I suggest we have our first talk here. Ken will have to get out of the way for a while but I suppose he won't mind."

"No, not at all." Hutch hurried to say, "I have some errands to run anyway, so go ahead."

"Good, let's get a little more comfortable and …"

"You don't want me lying on the couch do you? 'Cause I ain't gonna do that, makes me feel funny."

"No, you won't have to lie down but it's easier when you are as relaxed as possible and sitting on a kitchen chair is not going to help you relax."

"Are you gonna hypnotize me?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because I can't be hypnotized, so you don't have to try that."

Pete grinned, "No, I'm not going to hypnotize you. To be honest, I almost never do that."

"But sometimes you do?"

"If somebody is absolutely unable to relax even a little, then I use hypnotism. I think, since I started working as a therapist, I've used it twice."

"Good." Starsky seemed finally satisfied and got to his feet. "Let's do it then doc."

"No, no, don't call me doc, just call me Pete. Makes the talking easier you know."

"No shit." Starsky mumbled and disappeared in the living room.

"Are you sure you'll be okay with him?" Hutch didn't want to leave but knew that he had no choice.

"We'll be fine Ken, stop worrying. Go out and try to enjoy yourself for at least an hour. I think you deserve some time for yourself to relax and unwind."

"Be sure he drinks some more…."

"I'll make him drink so much he'll drown in it."

"I'm making a fool of myself, aren't I?"

"No Ken, you're not. You are a very caring person who finds it difficult to let somebody else take over for a little while."

"Okay then, I'll go, but I'll be back in an hour."

"That's fine Ken, an hour will be enough for a first session. Now go and have fun."

Hutch left his cottage feeling like he was abandoning Starsky and climbed in his car. He turned on the radio, searched for a station that played country and western music and leaned back in his seat. For a while he just sat there, listening and thinking. He wasn't thinking of going anywhere; he wanted to be close to where things were happening, in his own home. Staring out of the car window his eyes grew heavy and he fell asleep.

"Wake up Ken."

Hutch opened his eyes and looked right into Pete's laughing eyes. "So that's what you call having fun, sleeping in your car."

Hutch cleared his throat "Well….yeah...I fell asleep I guess." He wiped his face "How's Starsky?"

"He's asleep; this talk we had took a lot of energy from him."

"How…how did it go?"

"You know I can't go into detail with you, but I think he will be fine in time."

"You think I can ask him how it went?"

"Yes of course. I can't promise you he'll tell you everything but I do know that he trusts you like no other."

"Isn't that strange Pete? I mean, we know each other for seven months now and somehow we…well…we're um…connected." Hutch blushed, afraid that he'd just made a fool of himself but Pete didn't think anything strange about the question. "You know Ken, some things can't be explained. It's very rare what you two have, maybe it's even unique, but it's there and it's real. This is a once in a lifetime friendship I think and I envy you both for that."

"Thanks Pete, I think I should go back now. When's the next appointment?"

"Tomorrow afternoon at three. I'll be in town for another week and after that we'll have to see where we are. If he needs more sessions we'll think of something else, okay?"

"Okay."

"See you tomorrow Ken and if I were you I'd think of something to do tomorrow afternoon."

Pete left Hutch's car, got in his own and drove off. Hutch watched him go and slowly he climbed out his car to go and see how Starsky was doing. He found him asleep on the couch and carefully he covered him with the afghan hanging over the back of the couch. Then he went to the kitchen to see what he could whip up for dinner.

It was six o'clock when he finally was satisfied with his prepared dinner. He'd made scrambled eggs, a salad, mashed potatoes and carrots, all soft and easy to digest for a convalescent. Pouring two glasses of orange juice, he whistled softly feeling optimistic for a change and for the first time in days.

He walked quietly to the couch where Starsky was still sleeping and Hutch hesitated to wake him up. _He's finally getting some rest now, it's a shame to wake him up but….oh what the heck. _"Hey Starsk, are you hungry?"

"Huh…what?"

"Are you hungry? I made dinner and it's just after six so I thought you must be hungry by now." _Shut up Hutchinson, you don't have to make a speech. _

"Oh…yes…give me a sec….to wake up."

"Sure, take your time."

Starsky yawned, rubbed his eyes and looked at Hutch. "You made something nice for me?"

Hutch grinned, "I like to think so."

"No ugly green stuff or disgusting health shakes."

"Well," Hutch drawled, "I did make a salad."

"Just a salad?"

Um…no, I made mashed potatoes with carrots for you."

"Carrots? Is that the orange stuff?"

"Come on Starsk, you know what carrots are. They're sweet and good for your eyes."

"There's nothing wrong with my eyes." Starsky mumbled while getting on his feet. Swaying a little he grabbed Hutch's arm and squeezed it "No meat?"

"Ouch, no meat for you yet. You're on a light digestible diet for at least three days."

"Great! For your information: I need meat to get my strength back and carrots won't do the trick."

"Stop fussing and at least try what I made you."

They'd arrived in the kitchen and Starsky looked in awe at the set table. "Wow Hutch, you certainly made it nice; all it needs is candles."

"Yeah well, it's your first dinner in three days and I thought I'd make it a little special." He felt the color creep up from his neck when he said that.

"No reason to blush, I like it. You even thought of flowers. Blondie, if I didn't know better I'd say we're having a date."

"Shut up Starsky and sit down. You better stuff your big mouth with food."

Starsky laughed and sat down. The food smelt good and for the first time in days he was hungry.

Hutch filled their plates and Starsky took his first bite. "Tastes good."

"Glad you like it." Hutch hardly ate himself; he was watching Starsky eat and noticed soon that his friend was eating slower and slower until he put his fork down. "I'm sorry Hutch, but I can't eat anymore. Guess my stomach isn't up to par yet."

"That's okay Starsk, at least you ate something."

Starsky leaned back in his chair and sighed. "You know, being sick sucks but at least you know it'll get better; the other thing is an entire different thing."

Hutch knew what he meant and his heart thumped in his chest. _You're gonna tell me now about this afternoon? You trust me enough to talk to me?_

"Pete's a nice guy, not like any other shrink I met."

_It's a start, now don't screw up._ "Yeah, he's a good guy, always ready to help." _Slowly, slowly, easy does it._

"He didn't ask me about when I was young or about my parents, those kinda things."

Hutch kept silent, waiting for anything more Starsky was willing to tell.

"You know, I always thought that shrinks were asking and fishing and doing things with your mind but Pete…Pete just let me tell whatever I wanted to say. He wasn't pushing for more as if he knew there are things I can't tell." He sipped from his orange juice, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Do you think I'll ever be able to live with myself?"

That question took Hutch by surprise and he tried to come up with an answer that both would satisfy Starsky and wouldn't be a lie. He couldn't think of a suitable reply, so he said the only thing he knew was the truth. "I don't know Starsk, I really don't know. Did you ask Pete about that?"

"Yeah, but he didn't say yes or no. He asked if I _want _to be able to live with myself."

"What did you say?"

"That I didn't know."

Hutch said nothing, knowing there would come more.

"Pete said that's the first thing we're gonna find out."

"Sounds like a good starting point."

Starsky looked at him. "You think?"

"Yeah I do, I think it's a good thing to find out." _Oh god, what if you decide you can't, what are you gonna do then? Eat your gun?_

Starsky nodded, deep in thought again. Hutch tried to read his face but was unable to decipher anything from the closed expression. _Show me what you think buddy; I have to know what you think._

As if he had heard Hutch's thoughts Starsky looked at him, sadness in his eyes and a sad smile on his lips.

"I think I want to live Hutch, without feeling guilty all the time. I mean, I know what I did and I know I can't turn back time, so I have two choices: go on or not."

Hardly able to speak Hutch nodded, thanking all gods everywhere that Starsky wanted to fight his way back to a normal life.

"It's not gonna be easy Starsk, but I'm convinced you're gonna make it." he finally managed to say.

"Your faith in me could be wrong, you know that don't you?" Starsky asked, "Maybe I'm not gonna be okay ever again."He shrugged. "I guess I'd deserve that."

"Don't say that, don't you ever say that again!" Hutch almost yelled, "Nobody who has gone through what you've gone through deserves to be feeling the way you're feeling right now."

"Sorry," Starsky mumbled, "won't say it again."

"Okay, and don't think it either because it is not true."

Once again they sat in silence, drinking orange juice and both caught up in their own thoughts.

Starsky broke the silence first. "You know what the scariest thing was? You couldn't trust anyone, not even children."

"How's that?"

"They used kids to trick us. Little children sometimes not even six years old."

"How did they do that?" Although he wanted to know, Hutch wasn't sure he wanted to hear it.

"They sent kids with baskets filled with fruit to sell to us but when you were near them snipers got you and mostly the kid died too." Starsky shook his head. "How can anyone do that? Innocent little kids used as bait and killed without a second thought."

"I…I don't know Starsk. I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything."

"I wish I could help you, make the memories go away."

"You can't. Pete made that very clear to me; I'll have to live with the memories for the rest of my life. The big question is: how."

"By forgiving yourself."

Starsky's voice was choked with tears "How do I forgive myself for shooting a five year old girl, can you tell me how I do that?"

Hutch's voice was shaking, "maybe…maybe if you tell me what happened…I…we can work it out somehow."

"You'll hate me."

"No, I won't hate you and you know it."

"You'll have nightmares yourself."

"Yeah? Well, let's share the nightmares then."

Starsky tipped his head. "Are you sure?"

"No, but tell me what happened anyhow."

Too restless to sit down any longer, Starsky started pacing the small kitchen area. "We'd set camp near a small village and the first evening a boy, maybe ten years old, came to the camp with a big basket. We told him to stop but he showed us an orange from the basket and we let him come near us. He stopped just outside the camp and three of us went to get oranges. Five seconds later they were dead." He cleared his throat. "It was the first time and we'd only been in country a few days. What did we know? We never saw the snipers, the sonofbitches. Killed the boy too; he'd served his purpose I guess."

Hutch closed his eyes in horror and wondered if he would ever have been able to survive a place like that. _Thanks dad, for saving me from that._

Starsky looked at him. "Are you sure you wanna hear more? It's not gonna be pretty."

"Go on."

"A few days later we were back from patrol when a little girl showed up; she wasn't carrying a basket or anything else. She seemed lost and I wanted to go to her but the sarge yelled to shoot her…" He leaned against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. "I didn't understand and asked why but somebody else shot her and when she fell…oh god…the hand grenade exploded; she was holding a hand grenade Hutch, a five year old girl…" He started to cry and Hutch was with him in a second, pulling him in his arms and holding him while tears filled his own eyes. "Jesus Starsk, that is…"

"I did the same thing Hutch, I did the same thing!" Leaning his head on his friend's shoulder, his tears soaking Hutch's shirt, he went on. "Weeks later…near a…different…village the same…thing happened…and I…I shot her."

Hutch swallowed a few times before he could speak. "Did she…" He didn't finish the sentence too shocked to say the ugly words. He felt Starsky nod his head. "There was nothing left of her."

_God Starsk, how the hell did you survive that hell and not fall apart until now? What the hell triggered all this now?_

"You wanna sit down Starsk?"

"Yes…but I think…I can't move."

"I'll help you. Come on, lean on me…that's it buddy, that's it."

Slowly, Starsky leaning heavily on Hutch they made it to the couch where they both fell down, panting.

Starsky tried to lie down but needed help to get his legs on the couch. The moment he lay down he curled up in a ball, hiding his face from Hutch. Hutch watched him, not sure what to do. When he saw Starsky's shoulders shake again he picked up the phone and dialed the number Pete had written down before he'd left that afternoon.

Twenty minutes later Pete arrived, bringing a soothing calm with him that made Hutch relax the minute he walked in. Starsky still lay curled up on the couch and hadn't said a word since his last outburst of grief and regret.

"How are you doing?" was the first thing Pete asked Hutch.

Hutch looked at him in astonishment. "Starsky hasn't said a word since I called you."

Pete smiled. "That's not what I asked Ken. How are _you_ doing?"

"I'm fine but you've got to help him Pete."

Pete looked at him with narrowed eyes. "We'll talk about you later. Now, where is my patient?" He smiled again and followed Hutch to the couch.

He stood there for a few seconds, looking down on the curled up form on the couch, then he sat beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "David, it's Pete and I want you to look at me."

Starsky didn't move, but his breathing quickened a little.

"David, I know you're awake."

"How?" Starsky asked, his voice muffled by the couch cushion.

"You're answering me, that's how."

With obvious reluctance Starsky turned very slowly on his back, his eyes hidden by long, dark lashes but Hutch saw the emotional pain etched on his face.

"Hi David, how are you doing?" Pete kept his voice light and Hutch admired and envied him for his casual tone.

Starsky shrugged and, with his face turned away from the two men, sat up straight. "I'm fine."

"Uh, uh."

"What, you don't believe me?"

"Why do you think I'm here and not in a bar, drinking wine with a gorgeous blonde?"

"Hutch called you"

"Yes, he did. Can you tell me why he was so upset that he dragged me away from my date?"

Starsky shrugged again, visibly uncomfortable with the situation. "Maybe…because I made a scene?"

"Did you?"

"Did I do what?"

"Make a scene?"

Starsky looked at Hutch from under his lashes. "I guess I did… I'm sorry."

"Why did you make a scene, you think."

"Dunno, just happened."

Pete nodded. "I see. Tell me, does that happen often?"

Now Starsky looked at Pete and snorted. "Yeah, it did when I was a kid."

Pete grinned. "Well, didn't we all? You think this was the same scene making as when you were a kid?"

A dark shadow clouded Starsky's face. "No," he whispered, "no it wasn't."

"Thought so." Pete nodded, "Can you tell Hutch and me what upset you so much that you lost control?"

Starsky cleared his throat. "Hutch already knows."

"You told him something terrible from your time in Vietnam and then you lost it? Is that what happened?"

"Yeah…and I couldn't stop crying…you know…I keep seeing that little girl." He stopped, swallowing back tears.

"Do you think you can tell us the story again?"

Hutch felt the blood drain from his face. "No..." he started to say but didn't go on when he saw the hand signal Pete made.

Starsky shook his head. "Don't think I can," he whispered.

"Okay, fair enough. Maybe you can give me a clue about what happened."

"A clue? What do you wanna hear? That I killed a little girl? That I can't forgive myself? That it was worse for me than what happened in My Lai? Is that what you wanna hear?" Starsky yelled the last words, jumped to his feet and started pacing the room. "I knew I had no choice but Jesus, she wasn't older than five and the sonsofbitches decided she was expendable." He smashed his fist against the wall. "A kid, she was just a kid for god's sake!"

Shaking, his head leaning against the wall, he repeated, "She was just a kid."

"Thank you for telling me David." Pete stood right next to him and Hutch on his other side, both men putting a hand on his shoulder.

He let himself be led back to the couch and they sat down in silence, the grief palpable in the room.

"I don't have to explain that you had no choice, do I? You _know_ that, but you have to accept it and that's not easy."

"No, it isn't." A whisper this time.

"I can't make you accept it but I can help you understand why you had to do what you did. We will sort it out and then it's up to you to accept the fact that you had to kill a little girl and to forgive yourself. I think Hutch has forgiven you and I have forgiven you, but you have to forgive yourself too. Only then you can leave it behind you and go on with your life."

Shyly Starsky looked at Hutch who smiled at him and nodded encouraging. "We'll work it out Starsk; it'll be okay I promise."

Starsky smiled back "Yeah…maybe we will."

**Three weeks later.**

When Starsky thought back to that night three weeks ago, he still felt sick and disgusted. It had been a night with long talks and more tears but in a way it had been a cleansing night too. He'd been relieved that both Hutch and Pete didn't think any less of him after everything he'd told them.

This morning, waking up in his own bed in his shabby room, he felt rather good, especially now he and Hutch were going to look for a new apartment for him. _To hell with the old life, time for a new start._

He remembered Pete's words and knew he wasn't his old self yet, but even maybe being halfway was a whole lot better that where he came from. While he took a shower he heard Pete's voice in his mind: _Don't think it'll be a piece of cake now David, because it won't be. There will be many times when you'll feel bad and memories and maybe even flashbacks will return, but you will learn to live with that as long as you remember that you didn't have another choice but to do what you did!_

"Well Pete, that maybe right, but it still doesn't feel good." His own voice startled him and quickly he turned off the water. Shaving and dressing didn't take long and after a strong cup of coffee he left the room. Hutch was waiting for him in his car outside the old building, a big smile on his face.

"Morning Starsk, I have a surprise for you."

"You have? What is it? Where is it?"

"Come with me and I'll show you."

"It's not one of your new health shops, is it?"

"Would I do that to you buddy?"

"Oh I think you would if I let you."

"Don't worry, it's nothing like that. You're gonna love it."

They drove through the almost empty streets; starting house hunting this early on a Saturday had its benefits.

"Pete called last night." Hutch broke the silence and glanced at Starsky to see how he'd react.

"What did he have to say?" Starsky looked out the window, feeling Hutch's eyes on him.

"He's got a convention in Bay City next week."

"And?"

"He's planning to come by."

Starsky said nothing; the memories of his breakdown and sessions with Pete were still painful.

"You think you wanna see him?"

"I don't know."

"We could have dinner together?"

"Yeah and probably end up with the plates against the wall."

"Hey Starsk, come on, you're doing great! Don't expect too much so soon."

"Yeah well, that's easy for you to say."

"Maybe." Hutch still felt the pain of watching his friend going through hell.

"He's not my therapist anymore."

"I know that but he wants to see how you're doing. He's coming as a friend, not a therapist."

"I'll think about it, okay?"

Pete had advised Starsky to see a psychologist to help him to get his life back on track. He had personally made an appointment with one of his colleagues in Bay City and had accompanied Starsky to the first meeting. Seeing Pete again so soon wasn't something Starsky was looking forward to; the memories of that night and telling his story the first time were making him feel sick even today. Strangely enough being with Hutch didn't make him feel awkward or uneasy.

They stopped in front of a building that was divided in several apartments. Starsky looked at Hutch a little unsure. "What are we doing here?"

"What do you think?"

"About what?"

"About the address, dummy."

"What about it?"

"Do you like it?"

"Why?"  
" Well, if you do you only have to sign the lease."

"Sign the lease?"

"What is it with you today? Aren't you awake yet?"

"I am awake but I don't understand."

"Okay" Hutch had pity on him "I read this ad in the paper and when I went to take a look I thought it was perfect for you."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I did. So, what do you think?"

Starsky looked at the building again. "Yeah…I think I like the outside but I want to see the inside too."

He got out of the car, his eyes glued on the building. Hutch followed him and they both went inside. The empty apartment was on the second floor and Hutch opened the door with the key. Holding his breath Starsky went inside and was pleasantly surprised; it was bigger than where he lived now and a lot nicer.

"Well?" Hutch couldn't hide his excitement, "What do you think?"

Starsky grinned, "I love it! But I don't know…isn't it expensive? I mean, it's great but can I afford it."

Hutch shrugged. "I don't know what you pay for that rat hole you live in now, but this isn't expensive Starsk. It's less than I pay."

"You know what we get paid, don't you? It's not that I'm rich or something."

"Here's what we do pal, we go to the agency and then we'll talk about it right there. This place will be gone before you know it, so we better go there and close the deal. If you think you can afford it of course."

Starsky thought about it and nodded. "Okay."

"So, you're gonna sign the lease now?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna sign the lease if I agree with the terms."

"Great!" Hutch cheered, "We can move your stuff next week."

Starsky grinned. "Yeah, well let's see if I'm gonna to live here first."

They walked back to the car and when they got in Hutch reached into the back seat. He held a wine bottle in his hand when he sat down behind the wheel.

"Hey, you brought wine!"

"I thought we could celebrate you having a new place to live."

Starsky laughed. "Oh yes, we're gonna celebrate alright."

Laughing and joking they drove to the agency where Starsky signed the lease.

The end.


End file.
